ye olde crapfest

My opinion can change today.
I'm responsible anyway.
Second to third-hand information
complicates the complication.
I don't think before I speak,
and I don't know how far my words reach.
So wrong nearly every time
that I'm sorry I speak my mind
if what I said was unkind.
Now it feels like I'm on fire.
It's burning the world through.
Don't hold it against me
'cause I know you're lying too.
Is there any need for apologies?
There's no reason to believe me.
Judgements born in my jealous mind
creeping inside outside.
Connections I've made never follow through
and sooner or later disappoint you.
I'll cross you twice when your back is turned.
That's how I've learned
that someone has got to be burned.
Now it feels like I'm on fire.
These words are not the truth.
Don't hold it against me
'cause I know you're lying too.
It feels like I'm on fire
It's burning the world through.
Don't let me fall
without someone to hold on to.
Someone to hold on to.
Someone to hold on to.


that's a good song, it was on in the car, and i figured i'd share it with all (four) of you.

and also, i'm leaving early today. fuckin' a right.

god, this morning has sucked. i want outta here, NOW dammit.

thank jebus it's noon already, just a few more hours and it's freedom, sweet freedom.

please look at this site, it's hilariously glorious.

i grow tired of my job. this has been the story for about two years now, maybe longer. just when i'm about to get reallllly tired, they go and do something like...say, give me $500.00 worth of gift certificates to a pretty good restaurant in town. just because.

that's nice.

i realized today that the word "oval" really is a term used to compare other objects to the shape of an ovary, or ova if you're talking about more than one of 'em. so next time you wanna use "oval" in a sentence, you should say something like "this donut is not so much round as it is 'in the shape of an ovary'." see? easy.

this also reminds me: shout out to my ovarian cysta (and stepmommy numero dos), who has now joined the club and can share in my stories of painfests and ultrasounds and doctorfingersinthebum. us ladies have it rough, you know?

1) it is pouring hella bad

2) this post will be my 267th on crapfest 2: electric yeah yeah yeah, putting me exactly one post ahead of schmra. though we're not counting at all. i just thought i'd say that.

3) lulu wears WAY too much perfume

what a mess.

i was coming back to work after lunch and saw some little boy with huuuuuuuuge glasses, he was maybe six or seven and had a backpack bigger than him, no kidding. he was struggling down a really long street (called longview, incidentally) with a big brown paper grocery bag that seemed to be full. of what, i don't know. anyway, i wanted so badly to stop and offer him a lift home; i figured he probably just lived at the end of the street or something, just a three second drive, but it's a hell of a long walk when you're six or seven and you're weighed down with books and supplies and dioramas and the like.

but i didn't stop. because i figured he'd freak out and wouldn't let me, being a stranger and all. and if he didn't freak out, then surely his mother would have me arrested within a fortnight.

then i thought about maybe just offering to take his stuff to his house for him, so he could walk comfortably and not have to worry about whether or not he was going to drop all of those leftover cupcakes or whatever it is he had in that bag. probably best that way. if it had been leftover cupcakes, we might've had some trouble.

this weekend was pretty fun. just watched a movie and went to bed early on friday night, then saturday was target browsing (and a little buying) and an evening reds game with pops. that was fun. roger "the rocket" clemens pitched for the astros, and as much as i like him, i was glad the redlegs didn't give him the big "W." i enjoy ball games much more when my team wins.

yeah, so that was fun. got back in town around 1am, stopped by the cheryl inn to meet loki samson, one of two new puppies gracing the inn with their adorable presence. yes, so bed around 2:30ish, and then up again at 9 when the bloomfields showed up to saw, hammer and otherwise make loud noise in the backyard. gatti town with mark & taylor maylor, where we didn't ride the bumper cars or play the ticket jackpot game or skeeball...

and then more movies (i highly recommend american splendor) and a slight break for a trip to kroger and payless. five dollar shoes yeehah. i've got them on now, they're giving me blisters.

anyway, i bought some flowers yesterday. a basket of lantana and a basket of multi-colored dahlias (my faves). i'm hoping they'll get huge and will completely obliterate the nasty red geraniums z's mom planted out front yesterday. of all the flowers on this earth, geraniums are my absolute least favorite. i would never buy them, ever. not even if i was 85 years old and wore elastic everything. i saw her putting them in and was so tempted to run out there screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!," but it's her house, technically. i've been thinking about just taking george out there and maybe pouring some bacon grease on them just in case he's not interested right off the bat. "i'm sorry, mrs. b, i guess i just wasn't looking and he ate all of your beautiful geraniums!"

i'm about to open up the microsoft paint and make some pictures for all my fans. i'll post 'em if they're worth it.

when i was growing up, we lived on the back end of the roger williams park & zoo. it's nice, it's built on a lake-type thing that runs through the whole place, providing water for the animals that live in water, etc. you can rent paddle boats and go around pretty much the whole park, under nice old bridges, up to the back end of "animal habitats" and the like. so yeah, we literally lived right behind it, so a lot of our childhood was spent there, whether we were just dicking around in the (no longer quite so cool) japanese gardens, riding the carousel, or just sitting there eating frozen lemonades off the back of the del's truck.

now the reason i've told you all of this, is because lately, i've been having these weird dreams. by lately, i mean "since last night." but i had one before the 6am wake up call, and one after i fell asleep for my 6:20-7:56am nap. so that makes it recurring. right?

anyway, in the dreams, things are happening all around me, stuff's going on, really important heavy-type stuff, but i'm watching it from underground. i can see it because all around me in the underground "bunker(?)," there are these plastic or plexiglass domes, protruding from the roof and out onto the surface. you stand up inside one, and your head's in there, looking out at the stuff around you, but nothing gets in, and you can't really communicate with the outside world (well, unless you tapped on the dome, but more about that in a second).

this whole concept is directly linked to my visits to that zoo as a kid. they had this awesome prairie dog habitat over by the polar bears, where you descended underground into this viewing area, where there were, like, twenty or so of the aforementioned domes sticking up into the prairie dog grounds. when i was much younger, my father had to lift me up so i could get my head up in there and see all the action. sometimes the prairie dogs were just standing there. sometimes they were licking themselves and each other, in gross and not-so-gross ways. sometimes they were fighting. sometimes they were doing "the" nasty. every time, i was tapping on that plastic, not sure why, maybe i was trying to get one to come up and tap back. never happened, at least not that i can remember.

i went back there most recently three years ago, and there's no prairie dog habitat. i was pissed.

it's 10:20am and i'm bored already. i've played (and won) a game of fake scrabble, i've eaten a little bit of this huge delicious caramel apple that my boss brought for me, and i've smoked twice since 9am. it's gonna be a long day.

i yearn for the days when folks used to just drop by the ol' office, hijack me for lunch or some impromptu jousting (this was long before jousting was even jousting! wow!), or just sit here on one of my computers and keep me company for a couple few hours. thems was the good times.

i hate it when people tell me secrets. i hate keeping them. i suck at keeping them. oh well, it must happen. just cuz someone says it must. mallie.

i spent the first fifteen minutes of my day tinkering with the overhead music (the "DMX," if you will). i had grown tired of "hot hits," especially all of the "hits" that showed up in the rotation after someone sang them on american idol, or after they showed up in that one crappy commercial ("i love little baby ducks..."). and so, i tested out channels one through ninety nine, and settled on "rock 'n roll oldies." when i first turned it on, it was some accoustic rolling stones, and then that lead into "secret agent man" or something like that. it's been a lovely day with new music.

i have the hiccups. could someone please do something about that? it's really annoying.

it's officially summertime, as the local stupidamericas have begun their 69 cent fountain drink promotion. i love it! dew me up! mountain dew, all day long! i hadn't been ingesting any caffeine at all over the last few days, i had been proud of my progress, i hadn't had a single headache. but shit, 69 cents, that's a steal!

speaking of gas stations, i was in line behind this woman yesterday at yet another stupidamerica, and she was paying for her gas for her gigantic SUV, the cashier says, "that'll be $64.20." she just sighed and pulled out her credit card. i asked her how long that full tank would last her, to which she replied, "oh, about a week i guess..." i find that incredible and i don't understand it at all. she must be wicked rich. but she didn't look like it, her pants were from the 80s and she still had the aqua net hairdo.

i don't think this flyer ever got used. it's a damn shame.

my boobs have taken over. they're in charge of just about everything i say and do nowadays...they dictate what i can and cannot wear, they cause some falks to talk to me and others to avoid me at all costs. basically, they've become ginormous. at least, that's the way i see it. i've been gaining back that ten or so pounds of cushion i lost over the winter, but fortunately, i suppose, it's all heading straight to my chest. some folks'll say i'm crazy, it's all in my head, etc., but i'm telling you: i have real life cleavage, without the aid of any of the vicky's boobmagic bras! i spend about five minutes every night before bed just looking at them going "shit, i mean...what the fuck!?!?!" they were comparably sized back in high school, and i got used to it then, but it's weird, the readjusting.

i suppose worse things could happen.

well, it's the weekend. i've been literati-ing my brains out all day, and i'm ready to take a break. i'm glad to have survived yet another long-ass week as a Hawt Young Professional in the (podunk) city.

and now, i'm off like a prom dress!

i had the best dream last night. my little sister and i had these huge awesome backpacks with lots of handy storage, full of many interesting things that i can't remember anymore. and we carried those backpacks all over our land, which happened to be the big rock candy mountain. it was a magical land not unlike willy wonka's chocolate factory, but a little more weird... but the entire place was made of candy and other delicious things. and there was a swimming pool (with regular water in it, not like chocolate or liquid marshmallows or anything). we loved it there.

we also had cool shoes. they were like flip flops or sandals, but had these velcro straps that you could fashion into any shape or whatever. they don't sound so cool, but i'm telling you, you'd want some if you saw them.

i'm daydreaming, almost fantasizing about what i'll have for lunch. i'm thinking a bacon wrapped filet sounds mighty tasty, perhaps some asparagus or some little carrots. mmm...

i'll probably have a cheese dog. they're good, too.

i'm bored boring today. maybe something cool or hip or exciting will happen in the near future. if it does, i'll be sure to tell you about it.

oh, and i really hope andy kaufman does come back.

now you can all leave me your heartfelt thoughts and comments about my mundane and insignificant ramblings. for the time being, i encourage it...but remember, i'm just a girl and i'm "sensitive." please be gentle.

on to the ramblings.

i bought a pair of jeans this weekend that somehow manage to reveal even more of my ass crack than you're used to seeing. "but how is that possible!?!?!" you may ask. and to this, i reply "science, my friend."

sunday z performed some minor surgery on mandrake, who needed a new starter. half hour from start to finish. it was actually much simpler than i could have imagined. and to think, a mechanic would've charged me three hunj or something. many mens (and even some ladies) expressed their interest in helping me out with my car troubles. thank you all of you for your mechanical zeal and for being nice enough to offer your services. it was something i could've done myself, even, but it's always nice to have someone with a little more strumf to take care of the bolt tightening.

what else?

jarvis b's in town from d.c., we're supposed to hang out today. visiting with folks kicks ass.

and i'll stop for now, i must get to work. yes, i actually have some stuff to do today. it sucks. so alright then, back i go. hope everyone's monday is manic. i mean manic in a totally good way, of course.

jesse, when do i get to see my movie?!?!?!

today has been just about the best day ever. well, maybe not ever, but it's been really really relaxing, totally uneventful and pretty much boring as hell. and that's fine by me. had the whole office to myself. came in late, took a long lunch, ran errands, gonna run more errands and leave early. i am a horrible employee. i got just a little bit of sun at lunch today. it was nice.

i also watched donald rumsfeld get grilled by a bunch of senators about whether or not he should resign his position and does he think that would help the american public and more importantly the world community feel better about this whole sordid thing.

pre-empted my damn soap operas for chrissakes.

my job is no fun. but there's talk of rewarding all of my hard work and dedication with some sort of mini-cruise or otherwise sunshiny paid vacational weekend type thing. that sounds nice. now we just wait and see if it's all a bunch of bullshit talk or what.

the movie thing went very well last night. six of us dressed in all black with shirt ninja masks and hoodies and stuff, some of us grabbed "weapons" aka "steel pipes," and we crept out from a hollowed out old concrete building to converge upon a very frightened j. barger powerbar, who managed to trip on the Giant Pile of Bricks, Glass, and Body Parts only once in about ten takes. i hope the movie looks cool, and i hope the hood of rudy's car isn't totally fuct. but i think it is. i was surprised the coppers never showed up, we looked HIGHLY suspicious, basically right in view of tons of traffic, on private property, dressed in black, with "weapons." it was pretty fun. i think i should try to "act" more often. ha.

alright, so this weekend, something is going to happen and it is going to shock all of you. well, some of you. anyone involved with the "special surprise," that is. i will never talk, so don't even bother asking me about it, you'll just have to find out for yourselves. but you'll like it, i swear. no hints, either.

this is all i've got to say about that:

and i'm willing to fight about it.
i mean, they're made by elves!

i'm in a bit of a cheese coma. cheese pizza, and lots of it. and enough root beer to kill a small child. yum.

i'm tired and a little dirty today. i got up at 6:30, let the animals in/out, fed them, etc., turned the tv on to check out the weather and sat down on the couch with the big ol' blanket, and the next thing i know i'm waking up and it's 8:44, which is right around the time i'm supposed to be leaving for work. so i'm a big mess of bedhead and near-stink. and in a cheese coma. it's awesome.

i get to dress up in all black and kill one of my best friends tonight. for a movie, that is. i asked if, instead of wearing the required "all black" killer costume, he'd mind if i just dressed up like a unicorn, to which he replied "uh...what color's the unicorn costume?"

oh one last thing.

dear dude in the men's bathroom (which happens to share a wall with my side of the office): STOP WITH THE HORRIBLE NOISES! IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD, YOUR COLON IS ONLY SO BIG. YOU'RE MAKING ME WANT TO VOMIT PIZZA! i've lived with a lot of dudes, the best of the best when it comes to crapping, and you're just being overly dramatic.

i feel like i'm in tenth grade and it's mrs. fisher's (fish!!!) u.s. history class and i've just spent my lunch money on some strawberry fruit snacks, gardetto's, and a mountain dew, ingested the aforementioned snacks, and settled into my chair in a tricky sideways-like fashion so as not to be detected while i snore through today's installment of the riveting made-for-the-classroom historical drama "1776."

yep, it's just like that.

"Aaaaay! My friend likeshoo! He wants yer number! Aaaay, I'm talkin' to you... Aaaaay!

one of my favorite things to say, ever. i especially enjoy yelling it out of rolled down car windows, whilst driving thru, say, campus, or somewhere else where the hos are out in full force. not sure why i just thought about it. maybe it's got something to do with the formaldehyde smell that has overtaken my office. i can taste dead in the back of my throat, it's disgusting. "why does your office smell of formaldehyde, rear admiral slappy?" you might ask... well, i guess there's formaldehyde in ink, and the boxes and boxes of brochures that were just delivered to me are covered in, well... ink. so yeah, i'm getting loopy. maybe it's got something to do with disgusting chemicals, maybe it's got something to do with the eight fruit rollups i've eaten today.

oh, here's your steve the cat update: we went to the vet on friday, and it turns out he had some bite wounds from a brawl with some other cat (probably that asshole tabby that's always sleeping under my house). now, cat bite wounds are apparently a horrid thing, not just prone to infection, more like guaranteed infection. but he's been on the antibiotic regime since then, so he's expected to be fully recovered within the next couple of days. i still feel all bad for him, with the whining and crying and limping, and i'm keeping him locked up in the house until he's back to normal. he hates it. for about ten minutes at a time, he hates me. that's okay, he'll thank me when that lucrative kitty paw modeling contract comes through. when we're rich, we'll let you all come swim in our gritty kitty pool.

enough for now, i suck at this whole "having a blog" thing, and sometimes i wish it would just die.

and a doot-doot-doodley-oo...