ye olde crapfest

work is gonna be really busy for a couple of days, maybe weeks. that and i'm in a pretty cranky, "fuck all ya'll" type mood, which may or may not result in: a) me buying a lot of nice new shit for myself, or b) the total destruction of the known universe. we'll see.

we went camping/boating this weekend up in northern ohio (read: shittown, usa) with my dad and his wife and the wife's immediate family. we brought the camera, but of course, took no pictures. oh well. it was cloudy anyway. other than that, it was wicked fun, oh except that the water is GREEN. i mean, like watermelon kiwi surprise kool-aid green. here's an actual picture of actual people actually canoeing in grand lake st. mary's:



we were trying to guess all day long why it might be that color. "algae," was about the only thing anyone ever wanted to think it was, so imagine our shock when later that night around the campfire a local told us it was none other than "agricultural runoff" which i do believe is a nice set of words for "pig/cow/horse poop." so i took a shower. a long one, with lava soap. they say it's the cleanest it's been in over 20 years, and that the bacteria levels are all within "tolerable" range, so um... i guess it was fine. i guess.

anyway, it was nice hanging out with dad. he cracks me up. among the funny things he said/did this weekend:

• "we're at campsite 211. if you forget, just think of that tragic day in february."
• (to some redneck/gothy types who brough their effin' ferret out to the campground and walked it around on a stupid leash and kept it in a stupid playpen all weekend long)-- "i'm sorry, can i ask you... so were you guys just sitting around and thought 'well, you wanna take the ferret camping?'"
and last but not least...

• "hey everyone, let's go up to st. mary's and take the boats out on the lake! we can fish and innertube and waterski and hang out on the beach!" (once we all got up there and got out on the water, he was THE ONLY ONE who wouldn't go in, stating that he "swore when he was 10 years old never to set foot in that shit again," and he didn't intend to cave. nice one, dad, nice one.)

so, it was fun, regardless of the poo and the shit and the agricultural runoff... i stared at the fire until 2am on saturday and was just glad to be doing something besides housework. and i guess i also just really love fire.

so now it's back to the usual, and work is... well, it's here. i've been a busy sumbitch (if i were in fact a son, i would willingly call myself a son of a bitch, on account of my mom really and truly is a bitch), which makes the time fly i guess. i think they might be putting surveillance cameras in here, though they don't think i know that they might be doing that... but odds are, if they do, i'll end up being in charge of monitoring them anyway, so if i get any good footage of karla on her three-wheeled exercise contraption, i'll be sure to post them.

i've somehow gone from being a temporary transplant to lex, the only one of my friends who'd say aloud that "i hate this town" to being the only one left! okay, tay's here. and ern will be back in a year (maybe). and j-bun says he'll visit often. well, my friends, i will be here, sitting on the couch, waiting for you. i'll even cook for ya if you want. and you can sleep at my house, i'll make sure there's a bed for you when you get here. i would offer you one million spacebucks, i'm sure that'd work, but unfortunately, i spent all of my spacebucks on a subscription to ladies home journal. ha, just kidding, it was boys life.

dang, people! i wish i had some goals and/or dreams, other than "getting hitched and making babies" cuz then maybe my goals and/or dreams might take me someplace that's more triangulated to my buddies. i would just up and move, but having no reason to do so (and no j-o-b waiting) makes it seem a little silly. reba, come home! you have THINGS you have to DO here, like go to various places with me and gossip and stuff. bun, you never called me back, and my feelings are hurting ever so slightly...

anywho, i'm just rambling. life otherwise is about the same as always. we're (me and z) gonna go to grand lake st. mary's with my dad this saturday--it's up in the dirty part of ohio, but it should be pretty fun. i ordered some new shirts, and they're arriving tomorrow... this excites me. also on the exciting front, z has decided to stick with his current job (blowing things up. with dynamite, even), rather than buying a mowing company... the equipment was too old, and the lawns not big enough to guarantee money coming in, soooooooooooo we're just going to cut about 10-15 lawns on the weekends (i get to help, i am so lucky) to save up some cash, and then hopefully next year he'll have enough padding to quit for real and get the lawn and landscape biz up and running. so if anyone in town knows anyone that needs their lawn mowed, or some landscaping work done, gimme a call.

okay, that's enough for now. thanks to some sort of sewage problem, this place stinks like rotten eggs. it's the pits.

dear people,

cologne, perfume... these things are "okay." i can accept that they're going to exist and that people are going to like the way that they smell.

now here comes the important part, and listen, because this is KEY... there IS such thing as too much smelly stuff. in fact, i would guesstimate that 90% of cologne and perfume wearers are putting WAY TOO MUCH of the shit on. i should not be able to smell you the moment that you walk in the door. i should not almost pass out, or even make a wincey-face when i get an up-close and personal whiff. i should not be able to FEEL IT on my own skin. a dab behind the ears and then you rub your wrists into that--that's the way you do it.

it seems that the older folks get, the more they feel the need to load on the smelliness. i mean, it's not like your flesh is decomposing YET, people. are you afraid i will smell your lightly scented depend adult undergarments? (this even goes for the younger offenders) do you think that people won't see you or something, and that you must get their attention by making them gag on your eau de toilet?

toilet. i don't care if it is pronounced "twa-lah," i still get the same mental image, and that my friends, looks a little something like this, without the cool guy and the big smile, of course:



so, what have we learned? smelly stuff = total crap, unless you can learn how to do it right.

take it or leave it, but if i ever run into you and your JOOP! makes me wretch like a deepthroat supastar, then i reserve the right to put my foot in your rear.

kind regards,

cmdr "unscented deodorant RULEZ" slappy

blog. log. jog. fog. pog. bog. nog.

my sister and i used to refer to the stuff that comes out of a woman's hoo-ha as "nog." you like that, don't you.

speaking of my little sis, her apartment got flooded last friday, thanks to the upstairs neighbors' leaky toilet. she is out one bed, four ceilings and two floors. she's handling it very well, considering that she's without a place to live for up to six weeks. i would be livid... maybe even under arrest for the murder of the upstairs neighbors. fuck water damage.

little else to say as of right now. i want to go eat lunch, but my admin assistant is missing in action. she showed up to get her check and then said she was going to deposit it and i haven't seen her since. this was at noon. i'm assuming she's quit? fuckin' a. anyone need a job? you must be at least as intelligent as me, i refuse to mess around with idiots anymore. i will accept resumes at my gmail address, and also encourage you to make me a video of you, like, typing, or showing off your bullshitting skills. that would definitely put you atop my list, if you made a video.

i found this for you. someone is HOLDING his WEINER!!!!1!!

in other news, today is "slack-off fuck-around day," according to the office manager (ME!). it's been fun so far, wish me luck with the rest of it.

MIDDAY UPDATE: two hour lunch break netted full belly, full viewing of days of our lives from beginning to oh-so-up-in-the-air end, and supplies for the office.

and some dinosaur stickers, which i think i will really enjoy.

now, i wait for "chuck chuck bo buck banana fanana fat fuck" to leave, and then i'm out. this guy is getting his own mspaint illustration, maybe even today. i'm gonna be bored waiting for z to get back from shoosting his pistola, unless i find someone- maybe someone with a birthday skirt on?- to hang wit. hang wit. i am getting smarter by the second!