ye olde crapfest

as this is my blog, i'd prefer that you spell it biatch, biatch.

and i am #1. best quit frontin'.

hi there.

friday, yet again. i don't know whether i prefer weekends to weekdays anymore. it's all about the same.

i feel WEIRD today. i don't think i've ever been this tired in my life! i know that's hard to believe and all, but really, i nearly passed out two or three times on my way to work today. damn you and your getting up way way way too early in the morning. it was totally dark! what kind of work can you do when it's totally dark!?!?!

and hey so guess what. two near run-ins and i didn't even flinch. i am making strides. this is good.

okay then bye.

this is the part where i say, "okay then, my lap is here...you can go ahead and fall into it whenever you're ready..."

cuz that's how it works, right? yes.

i had a little fun with this silly thing today. a sample:

I LOV3 BOWLNG!11!! OMG WTF LOL I DO IT AVARY NIGHT!1111 WTF LOL IT IS FUN1!11!1 OMG WTF LOL I GET STRIEKS AL TEH TIEM!!!!11!1 WTF LOL I LOVE 2 GAT STRIEKS1!11 OMG LOL SOMATIEMS I GET SPAERS1111 LOL MIEK NIX LIEKS BON3RS!11!1!! LOL

now i'm going to get off the dumb computer. i spend more time with computers than any other person/place/thing noun.

i think me and chi-chi should have some sweet tea over by that big tree lahdy dahdy dahdy

alright. time to breathe.

it's been a busy few days. and also a lazy few days. as for corporate slappy, she managed to do quite a bit of real work lately, with the help of boomer the office ho. it's been stressful, although i'll admit that it's my slacking and last-minute rushing that made it so incredibly hectic. hopefully i've seen the worst of it, and things will let up as the most lamest time of year gets closer and closer...

there's been a fairly constant flow of people in and out of the house and in and out of the life lately...it's actually been really weird. the winds of change they are a'blowin and shit. everything's all out of whack and everyone i know seems to be sort of looking for something else besides whatever it is they were doing. does that make any sense? well, i suppose all of the old "things happen for a reason," and "do what makes you happy," and "run like the wind to your doom" adages apply in a multitude of cases. good luck to 'man who gets tired' with the newness, i feel your pain, guy. good luck to megan in moving back...i really envy your hundred-dollar-room-and-board situation. good luck to mr. slacker, who is dropping out of school as we speak in order to pursue more creative endeavors (and i am currently messing up his room). (the business, of course). and enrique, i hope you want a good buddy with cats to go with you when you make your escape.

anyway, i've been getting used to doing stuff a little differently, adjusting and such. i'm still not even halfway there, i'd say, but i'm working on it. it's actually not really all that much different. just the nights and the lack of the obligatory phone call. i really wish this town were just a wee-bit bigger, as i'm sort of afraid to venture out to the places everyone i know goes. not that i really care all that much. i'd like to say that i enjoy all of the cavorting and carrying on that's all the rage with the 20-somethings, but really, most times, i just don't. i've tried. and yeah, sometimes it's good. when in good company, of course. but mainly, i'm too tired and bored with all of the hooey (those who know me well will point out my overwhelming tendency to 'cynicize,' however, i must say that i've always felt this general discomfort in hyper-social situations...i've tried hard to overcome it, but my experiences don't do much to pull me in the other direction).

so what am i getting at? come on people, i haven't posted in days...did you really think i'd spit it out in less than eight paragraphs?

so i'm torn. on the one hand, i'm trying to get used to the whole single thing again, and i know i ought to be getting out more and sowing those oats and stuff. it would definitely help me to feel better about knowing the old boy is enjoying his freedom. but i don't wanna. i feel like a freaking forty-year-old stuck in the (stunningly proportionate and lithe) body of a 23-year-old (who looks 18). i love parentheses.

***< crazy tangent >***

i talked to my sister for the first time in forever yesterday. she was wondering if i remembered a song we used to sing to each other on acid in high school. no one believed it was real, but if i recall, it was a moderate country hit at some point. i love you period...do you love me question mark...please please exclamation point...i wanna hold you in parentheses.... yes, acid.

***< /crazy tangent >***

so what have we? torn. old lady. bored. there must be good things, too...yes, there are. that digicam i was gonna get someone for christmas? i think i'll get it for me. i've been shopping around on the internet. i'm very excited about the prospects. expect an entire series of photographs of my cat steve dressed in homemade posterboard costumes or uniforms enjoying his many hobbies. and also, i am going to a fancy-schmancy restaurant with a free hundred dollars and i will order alcohols and meats and maybe get the guts to fess up...you think it'll work? doubt it. but alcohols and meats, nonetheless. what else what else? health insurance is coming through in the next few days. finally. i've been sick for two months now, and it's about time i was able to do something about it. even if they're only gonna give me more lovely dissociative cough medicine.

buffalo fun ranch and subsequent buffet RULES! i highly recommend it. tucker rode a buffalo. i kissed a horse. al sharpton was there. madness.

that is all for now. i am sleepy. cuz i'm old. you get it?

ps--i promised someone i don't really know that i'd tell him a story. i tried to do so last week, and my attempts were thwarted. guy i don't really know, if you're reading this, i apologize for my lack of follow-through. work has been keeping me quite occupied, and i've also been weaning myself from the evil friendster. it will happen, i promise. it's not that good of a story, though, i have to warn you.

word.

clicky clicky

work work work. sleep sleep sleep. ha ha ha.

and on a completely different note...


i suppose it is possible to imagine this might be vertis mccoy. and that is the funniest thing i have ever heard.

i must thank alex for choosing a cd that i have overlooked and all but forgotten for years. the ride to work this morning was not un-fun!

so i woke up feeling a little excited for some reason. i can't explain it. perhaps it's just that it's friday.

double digits, baby...double digits.

you wouldn't think that an hour-long drive around town with no particular destination in mind listening to nothing but shellac's prayer to god over and over and over again could relax a person. but i guess anything is possible.

i need a new roommate. in january. i'm on a month-to-month lease and the rent's super cheap, and i intend to leave town around march/april/may, so it's pretty temporary. but the apartment's nice and there's air/heat/little ghetto dishwasher/big backyard. and i'm pretty easy to get along with most of the time. things to keep in mind--i have two cats and a budding love for intravenous drugs that i hope may someday become a trendy habit. ha!

but seriously, i really need a roommate, or i'm gonna have to move in with my dad. don't get me wrong--i like him and all, but i'm just not sure about all that.

on to other things...

yes on to other things. kicking and screaming i go. i'm sure it'll be fun.

sometimes i forget--if nothing else, brad delp always loves me. thank you 92.1.

Sie waren mit einem "großen Mädchen" für drei Jahre, Esel. so schnell vergessen wir.

steve the cat got to spend last night outside, on the prowl, as he has always desired to do! and he didn't get himself killed! he probably just slept on the porch all night, the fattie.

oh i don't even really care anymore...

yeah! get drunk! party! andrew wk! yeah!

aaaaaaaah.
(that's a sigh of the languid variety)

at this particular moment, i am feeling very relaxed and contented. and, surprise! a little worn out. again i say...
aaaaaaaah.

i don't care if i go to hell, just as long as rick james shows up there at some point.



and i really think it's safe to say this now: mp and me, our powers combined, are the most dangerous form of funny ever to hit the southeastern central midwest. unstoppable. madness. don't say i didn't warn you.

so yes, well, good night then. and i really mean that.

picture this, if you will:

THE PLAYERS: two college students, one male, one female, both single and yet still sexually active. our boy, let's call him "leroy," has recently divulged to his roommate, we'll call her "elvira," that he just does not use condoms when he bumps uglies with the females. elvira has leaked this information to her father, who also happens to be her landlord.

THE SCENE: the house of the abovementioned co-eds. the toilet has been acting up lately. seems there's a clogging problem.

ENTER THE POOPSMITH!

Poopsmith: "Hey Elvira. I'm here to unclog your clog!"

Elvira: "Okay cool!"

the poopsmith retreats to the basement to unclog the clog, and elvira's father shows up and joins him. soon, they both return, hands covered in feces, the poopsmith's mustache blowing in the wind.

Poopsmith: "We have to get some things to help us unclog the clog. We will be back."

Elvira: "Can I use the facility while you're gone?"

Poopsmith: "No way dude."

elvira goes somewhere else to negotiate the release of the chocolate hostages. once that's taken care of, she goes on to do her daily activities outside of the house.

MEANWHILE...

elvira's father and the poopsmith have gone to retrieve a snaking device. they return to the scene and begin the process. oh, and also, elvira's uncle has joined them. soon, uncle buck decides to see what the snake has uncovered. he leans down, and stands back up, holding a used prophylactic (that's a condom, guys).

Elvira's Dad: "?"

Uncle Buck: "Ha!"

Poopsmith: "Oh Lord."

the snaking continues, and so do the condoms. condoms everywhere! nothing but poop and condoms, a virtual festival of bodily fluids! it is revealed that this nest of nasty condoms has been the source of the clog all along, and everyone claps and cheers.

Poopsmith: "Let's all go get pizza."

Everyone: "Hooray!"

--------------------------------------------------
this totally happened. except for the part about the pizza. the names and places have been changed, but maybe not very well. we shall see. how's that for funny?

yeah yeah yeah. alright, it's linked.

and also, i've decided to no longer be a functioning human.

don't worry, i'm done emoting all over this keyboard.

now, as my first act of fun, i give you...



click on the picture. there's lots more where that came from.
(thanks for the link, dildo. and also, thank you for always being there at exactly the right time. tell me again why we can't smooch? oh yeah, it's because of terrorism.)

big f little uck and all the rest.

"for years, mankind has longed to be deaf..."

still alive. bet everyone was wondering.

the internet has been boring the pants off of me lately.

also, i recently finished a great book that i think everyone (who is as fundamentally dorky as me) should read. it's called "lamb: the gospel according to biff, christ's childhood pal" or something along those lines. by christopher something-or-other. it was some funny shit. and also, fairly pseudo-educational. but mainly, funny.

i had to go to versailles today to get some basketballs. it was nice to get the hell out of the office for a minute.

my god i'm boring. but you know, for some reason, i think maybe it's better to be boring.

at least i'm pretty confident that i am not full of crap. things might be worse if that were the case.

as i write this, there is an ad on the top of the page selling my morning jacket cds and also linking to modest mouse lyrics. now, as far as i can tell, i haven't mentioned either in crapfest the second version. how does this cursed (cur-sid) internet know me?!?!?!

"Your Boobs Are My Destiny" by The Farting Wellingtons

I remember the first touch, babygirl
Still can't get you out of my mind
(oh no, no baby)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
(oh no, no baby)
I can't maim without you
I think about you every lo these many years
Oh, every lo these many years
Can't get your jaw out of my mind, babygirl

pleasure is fat oooooh babygirl
pain is thin
Yeah yeah baby
Ooh babygirl, what I do is all for you
Oh babygirl, what I say, you know it's true
All my soul belongs to you

Oh babygirl, can't you see my tears are falling
Come back, babygirl, it's your name I'm calling
It's so very special, oh girl,
What my heart is feeling for you
You know I swear I'll be true
Cuz I'm so madly, deeply in love
With you

you bring up a good point. where ARE all those boys at? there should be millions of them, falling at my feet, bringing me shiny gifts and such. and yet, there are none. what's up with that? maybe i need to wear more makeup, or perhaps i should wear sluttier clothing. but wait a minute, i went out half-nekkid on friday, and no one really even looked in my direction. i am so confused.

i am ready to just be married, having some children and big dogs and stuff. i don't wanna date. it scares me. and yet, i am extremely...well, lonely...when i'm alone. and i think my steve kitty is sick. he has something weird going on in his mouth. it's not good.

well aren't you just too cool for school?

i call bullshit! bullshit!

aarrggh.

my god i loathe you.