ye olde crapfest

things things things.

tonight is bobblehead night in cinci with dad, schmra, and maybe sore-throat amy...should be fun, it always is. and i have a worthy excuse to leave work just a little early. woot. i still like love baseball, i don't care how bourgeoisie it is¹.

other things... i have to do inventory today. i hate inventory. i also have to quit for the cleaning lady, must remember to do that... must keep applying ridiculous amounts of lotion to my face and legs, as they are peeling off in large chunks... must remember to tell amy about my theory that people skin, given that is hasn't been exposed to any soap or other beauty products and junk, may actually taste alright if you fried it...

blah blah blah. work is lame. i tried uploading all my pics this morning, but my computer here won't let me download them--they're too big and my stupid p-o-s computer's too low on disk space to do anything. i managed to pull one off and get it resized. i'm going to post it now, so i can keep looking at it as the day wears on.

nice beach, eh?



¹ i spelled bourgeoisie right on the first try. amanza-ing feat of the week!

today's busy busy busy. don't have time to say much except for this:

today, i have had One Song in my head, all day long. it will not go away. what is that song? Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory."

i don't know if i mind it at all, he sings with such conviction!

pictures coming tonight or tomorrow, i promise...

here's one for now. dress-up fun.

well shit.

welcome back, slapzilla.

yes, it's...tuesday, and i'm back. back from the sun, back from the fun, back from la-la land. my weekend was, without a doubt, the most excellent weekend ever. two days ago, i was standing torso-deep in the most beautiful water i've ever seen, just kinda chillin with some little fishes (which didn't bother me because i could see them), drinking frozen tropical alcoholic treats, and never wanting to come home. but you gotta come home. that's the rules of vacation, i guess. i did miss my friends (who all happened to be hangin' out in one place last night, thankfully, so i got to see everyone upon re-entry), and of course, i missed the children. steve boy has been making the strangest yowling sounds ever since we got home, i know he's VERY pissed that i left him inside for the vast majority of the last four days, but he will recover. george was so excited to get back home, and i was so glad to see him that i went ahead and let him up on the bed this morning (oooh, dad's gonna be maaaad). being home sucks. getting back to the aminals kicks ass.

enough of that. back to the highlights of the weekend.

the boat was huge. i've never seen anything like it. the decor would have made any gold lame-wearin' realtor pee. pink marble and gold and brass and crazy sculptures and mirrors everywhere. the whole place sort of glistened in the sun. and lord was there a lot of sun. nassau was beautiful, pearl isand was...beautifuller. i looked around for souveniers to bring folks, but unfortunately, the bahamians in nassau are only interested in peddling supercraptastic junk, and they all peddle the exact same supercraptastic junk, so the souveniers are pretty much non-existent. i wish we could've spent more time on land, but it's just a three-day cruise, so i guess i'll just have to go back when i've got some more time to spend.

events of note:

• we got swindled out of thirty bucks (plus a five dollar TIP. a TIP.), by some damn jig calling himself kenny. apparently "chronic," to kenny, is some leaves ripped off the nearest tree and chopped into pieces and inserted carefully into a bag which is then sealed so ridiculously well that it would not behoove the buyer to check it out in the crowded sbarro. swindled, yes. but i must commend kenny-he got us, and it wasn't even hard.


• sunday morning we awoke and were informed that our onboard account still had over a hundred dollars available. as a result, we ended up on the pool deck at 11am with our friends tom collins and ms. midori "i taste just like kool-aid!" sour. one hundred and thirty dollars worth of liquor later, we left the pool and headed to the casino. it was maybe 3pm. great idea.


• upon arrival at the casino, z sat down with fifty bucks at the nearest blackjakc table. i stood over him and watched for as long as i could as he turned his fifty into a hundred, and then a hundred fifty. it was at that point that i took my seat and threw my twenty bucks on the table. maybe forty-five minutes later, we looked at each other and z said "babe, i'm sitting here with like, four-fifty!" and i said "i know! i've got over a hundred!" did it cross either of our minds to stand up right then and there and walk out with enough money to cover every single one of our expenses from the trip? well of course not. and wouldn't you know, a half hour later, we got up from the table with JACK SHIT. gambling is great. gambling is fucking horrible. gambling is gambling.


• my favorite thing: MIMES FOR JEBUS. as we wandered around on the streets of nassau, we noticed a crowd gathered, all watching some kind of performance art thing. i heard music. it sounded like trey parker singing "know you're a man, a man man man..." but the lyrics were more like "jesus we need you, yyyyyeeeeeessss we do, we neeed need need you, need you today!" our performace artists were bahamians dressed in weird clowny-type robes, with all-white mime face paint on, miming it up. i was the only one in the crowd who seemed to be holding back my cackles and shrieks of sacreligious delight. the rest of the assemblage was perfectly Into It, raising their arms heavenward, cheering those mimes on every step of the way. i made z take a video, i figured no one would ever believe me, and also, i never want to forget it.


• and finally, the "weirdest thang" that happened on the trip actually happened during our ten whole minutes in the atlanta airport... we'd been delayed leaving fort lauderdale, and i was assured upon inquiry that our connecting flight would aso be delayed, so there was no point in notifying them. yeah, right. we got off the plane at 5:00 on the dot, examined the schedule, and saw that our next flight was scheduled to leave at 5:22. shit. luckily, we didn't have to rush too much, we were leaving from the same concourse, so we got to the gate just as they were boarding the first few rows. our seats were in the back, so we took a quick opportunity to duck into the (oh-so-coneniently located) Room Of Smoke amd Smoking to hotbox a couple of camels. i was carrying my newly purchased copy of infinite jest, and the first thing i hear in the lounge is "hey that's a great book." i turn around, see this guy who looks and seems to act a little like tim arnold, my film professor from my second year of college. i liked that guy. anyway, this guy says "yeah, it's great." i'm like "yeah, blah blah...re-reading it...want to be more careful this time around..." and he says "cool. hey. can i show you something?" and you know me, i'm all about strangers "showing me something" in a crowded airport hundreds of miles from home, so i was all "hell yeah!" and he opens his suitcase and pulls out this kinko's-bound thing. "read this, my email's at the bottom, just let me know what you think. if you hate it, that's fine. if you like it, pass it on to someone else who might. it's gonna be published next summer." excellent. i thanked him, snubbed my cig out, and we took off to board the plane. i read half of it on the flight home, and wouldn't you know, it's awesome. right up my alley. funny and everything. the whole event just sort of struck me as being crazy. crazy in a good way, of course. kindred spirits, fate, all that stuff t-dawg said. sometimes things just fall in your lap.

well, i suppose that's all i can muster for the time being.

i'm sure i'll remember lots more, and indeed there are pictures pictures pictures. just gotta get the shit out of the car and actually unpack and junk. *sigh*

but for now, gotta go to work/ gotta go to work/ gotta have a job...

the elvis pie was good, boys, thanks much. i should've paid you for that. conveniently, i didn't. well, i guess i owe you one.

to all involved, have a great time at the big wedding this weekend. i'm still really sorry i can't make it. congrats to M&A, and enjoy your hunnymoon.

not sure what else to say at this point. if i come up with anything today, i'm sure you'll hear about it. otherwise, this'll be the last you hear from me until monday-ish.

i'm getting the fuck out of here! holy crap!

oh one more thing...

i swear he totally wants to date me.

wow. seems like everyday i think to myself "when did i start objectifying men? and why on earth did it take me so long?!?!"

it's wednesday, but really, to me, it's more like thursday, cuz tomorrow's gonna be like friday, but then i'm sure saturday will feel like sunday and monday, and then sunday will feel like half of tuesday and...

sorry, i just love the jerk and got a little carried away with that...

yes, anyway. i got the princess spot this morning in the parking lot. this is usually a sign that my day will be crappy. so i'm just waiting for that. who knows, maybe it won't be.

i managed to get packed last night, so all i have to do tonight is make sure i didn't forget anything. tomorrow after the master blaster finishes his man-work, we'll head to la'ville for funtimes with jism (and maybe thara copthey), and then up at 5:30am on friday to head for el aeropuerto. black z's red-flagged with the authorities for having his blasting license, and he's convinced they'll be taking him into a dark room for secret airport security fisting and interrogation, so he wants to make plenty of time for that (i mean, who wouldn't!). and then at 4pm we'll be on a large boat-type thing, headed for fun and good stuff. i'm still having a hard time keeping my excitement in check. it's like i'm 10 and i just found out i'm going to boyz-2-men roller skate camp or something.

oh, other excitement--you should see the copious amounts of fireworks z came back with last night...4th of july in the country, everyone! be there or be lame.

my boss is at the doctor right now. i didn't ask what he was going for, but as he walked out the door, he felt the need to inform me. "he said something about a prostate exam, so if i'm walking funny when i get back, you know it's cuz i've had something stuck in my butt." very un-gerald-esque. funny. unsettling as hell, but funny nonetheless.

i made out like a freaking bandit at victoria's secret last night. new things=FUCKING GREAT!

work is a mess today. so much to do, no motivation whatsoever, it's a real dilemma. hopefully it will pass quickly. i wish g-man'd go out and play golf or something, i like it much better around here when it's just me and my secret internet life.

congrats to schmra, or megan p., or "the face," or whatever you wanna call her. she made it, she made it! look out bugs!

counting down the days

is it thursday yet?

i'm getting so excited, i feel like i'm constantly on the verge of peeing. and, just when i thought "shit, it'd be great if we had some kind of 'insider' once we get to the bahamas, to tell us where we need to go, what we need to do, who we need to find if we want the ganja," big daddy tells me that his buddy "snake," who just so happens to have been born and raised in the bahamas, will be stopping by sometime this week to give me exactly the information i need. fuck yeah.

we're planning on taking about a thousand pictures, so i'm sure i'll be posting at least onetytyseven of them when we get back. shit, why am i talking about this now, i've gotta get through three more days before i can even start messing with all this.

god I CAN'T WAIT! it's horrible timing and perfect timing, all at once.

and hey! i'm taking applications for the #3 spot on my speed dial. bun, schmra, and candy bars need not apply, unless they have arguments for why they should be bumped from their current speed dial positions and moved up to the 3 spot. the 3 is notorious for its revolving nature--not many folks stay there once they make it. i don't know what it is, maybe it's just cursed or something.

this weekend was a little weird. too short, for sure. i enjoyed the shit out of the 8-man kayak adventure, though the jenkins situation reared its ugly head throughout the day... (god will that EVER be unfunny?). i also burned the tops (yes, just the tops) of my legs beyond recognition, which isn't exactly the best "base tan" for my big exciting weekend coming up. i have a stripe of fire engine red across my stomach. it's awesome.

what else? yes, i spent tons of money preparing for the love boat. got lots of dumb necessities, some junk, and i actually bought THREE pairs of shoes in one day. all dainty little ladies' things, all bound to teach me more and more about the pain that goes along with looking all hot.

i did four loads of laundry, only three to go! i plan to be fully packed by wednesday at the latest so i can just relax on the way outta here, but something tells me i'll still be running around like a maniac right before we leave.

i'm still really torn up about missing mr. e's wedding. i really wish this whole cruisin' opportunity hadn't reared its head at the exact same time as the big hitching, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. i'm also bumming about missing out on some good ol' fashioned dress-up fun with my bestest buddies. i'm sure you'll all have a smashing time without me, but please, try to talk about me at least 3% of the time. like, about how you miss me, and how you wish i was there, and how you think i'm just the bees knees and how truly stylish i am on the inside.

i didn't go see vandermark on saturday. why? because i'm really stupid, that's why.

three yatches, lunching it up today.

a word of warning to every foodery and eating establishment within a five mile radius: we are coming and we are not fucking around.

we will probably gossip and be bitches and will make fun of people who don't really deserve it. and of course, we'll talk about boys. because that's what girls do.

i think i'm going to the bahamas, and soon. if you want me to try to win you some money at the craps tables, let me know.

it's foggy today. physically and metaphorically, really. i'm worn out and quite useless. i got more exercise yesterday evening than i've had in...well, a really long time. slept like a baby last night, which is good, considering the night before was a sleepless mess.

this morning i saw one of my favorite people...she's this middle-aged woman who stands at the bus stop and prays. every time i see her, she's got her hands in prayer position and she's looking up at the sky and praying out loud, her lips are constantly in motion, and sometimes i imagine that i can tell what she's saying. you gotta wonder--is she praying that the bus will show up on time? is she asking god to make sure that cars don't drive up on the side of harrodsburg road and take her out while she waits? is she too busy to pray any other time, and uses her bus stop time to talk to good ol' jebus? who knows. but i really love seeing her. i'm not exactly christian, and you might even call me barely religious, but i've never had a problem giving the thumbs up to someone with conviction.

i also saw a guy walking and puking. like, two steps, vomit, two steps, more vomit.

i'm glad it's friday. going kayaking tomorrow. hopefully i won't wear myself out too much, vandermark's playing at mecca. does anyone know if my fave drummer (besides jism, of course) will be there?

i am so ready to get out of here.

all i've really got left to do today is some editing of outkast's "hey ya" (yes, for a client), but i'm just not feelin' it.

i ordered myself some new toys today, cute little mini cd's, some new office supplies, and some other stuff. it's always nice to have new things--novelty's a good thing, ask anybody.

in fact, i'd go so far as to say that novelty's the thing that's driving me lately. looking for anything new and grand...cut the hair, thinking of dyeing it, i keep trying to make excuses to go buy some new linger-ee and such... just bored, i guess. uncomfortable in my own skin? a little. it's nothing new, though, it comes and goes.

got to see the big boom today. walked over to the site and stood next to the truck while zack's driller pushed the button. i did the camera work. zack yelled "far in the ho!" and then it all happened, and then you hear me on the tape go "fuck yeah!" i can see why he'd like his job. for all the shit you have to go through all day, there's that few seconds at the end where you get to BLOW THE SHIT ALL TO HELL.

have i wasted enough time yet? can i go home?

i can stick it out a few more minutes, i suppose, and then i'm out. i've got a couple of "missions" to accomplish before 6ish. i may also need to drink that magnum of yellowtail shiraz before then... yum.

ajnjjckjndzvtmhcclrwrb.

i hate it when i can't sleep.

onety-one. and i didn't even get a party or anything.

oh, i got a haircut. i think i like it.

well, i'm not throwing up today, that's a good sign. still not feeling totally up-to-snuff, but i imagine that's just the way it is.

what's amazing me right this second is how one little thing, in this case, a phone call at precisely the right moment, can make things perfectly okay, even if it's just for a little while.

i'm gonna crash really hard tonight, i can already feel it.

if, that is, i don't go out to the mall to do some damage at the vict0ri@'s s3cr3t s3mi-@nnu@l s@le. i think i could use a new bra and some thigh-highs to replace those that were DESTROYED at beaux arts. i payed off the vicki's card three long months ago, i think it's about time the poor neglected thing got some action.

i know, i know...it's not in my nature, but, god help me, i like that "new" evanescence song, the one that's all sappy.

proceed with your "gentle ribbing."

sexy.

zack's blowing stuff up about two hundred yards away today. i think i'll go watch. probably around 4:30ish if anyone can get over this way.

so, what's going on? well, i spent the day at home yesterday, wish i could do it again today. but the stack of work on my desk isn't going to evaporate, i don't guess.

and i had this dream last night that my mother came to visit my father's house in cinci (would never happen in a million years), i was highly suspicious of her, and for good reason, because she tried to kill him three or four different times in really strange ways. me and my trusty sidekick, webster, had to follow her around and make sure she couldn't get away with it. i'm serious, it was webster.



and i guess that's it. i think i'm going to try to get some free anxiety meds from the "doctor" across the hall. wish me luck.

i'm interested to know why i can't edit my blogger profile. i'm also overwhelmingly nauseous and think i might have to cut out early today.

well the pups are gone. back with their dads, where they belong, of course. but yes, they will be missed. speaking of missing things, i did not eat lunch. my stomach is growling rather loudly. i got paid for pupsitting with a pretty glass ewok mind-changing device, thanks boys, it's as if you KNEW i had broken mine last friday.

so anyway, this past weekend marked the beginning of a "rewinding" phase in the saga of the slapster. well, not so much rewinding as it is a "picking up of the feet." i've been pretty firmly planted in one place for a while now, afraid to move in any direction out of fear of falling/failing/flailing. but now, well now i can pick up where i left off, hopefully i haven't done any major damage at this point, though i know much better than that. you know what they say about old habits...

i may have totally fucked up. i guess we'll just have to see about that.

moving on, then...i finally succumbed to the pressure: in the last two weeks, i read four of the harry potter books. friday, i rented the first and second movies, and sunday, went to see the third. someone shoot me. it's not bad stuff. i wish i was ten again, i'd like it that much more.

yes, i haven't been posting.

no, there's not really a good reason for it.

well, mainly, i spent a lot of time last week playing scrabble, what with the absence of the prison guards (bosses, that is). and also, a good four-fifths of the crapfest viewing audience were off being hippies (lovable hippies, to their credit) at Ewok Village Extreme to the Max, aka the bonnaroo festival. i hear folks died from drugs there. sad.

speaking of death and sadness, i had a little puppy to look after on friday...a friend of the company was in vegas, and left his little eight week old toy poodle puppy, gus, with the boss's girlfriend. she had some errands to run, so she left him with me for a few hours. well, gus and i hung out, he seemed okay, i was told he had some worms (and as a result, the puppy poops), but he didn't act too sick when we were hanging out. a little lethargic, yes, but the thing weighed a pound, i wouldn't expect it to be at full steam. anyway, i found out that gus died on saturday. his little belly just couldn't handle the worms. poor fing. now i'm crying again, having rehashed it all for you. aye.

we had j-bun and fukker's puppies this weekend, as well. they were very well behaved, for the most part, and samson and i are in love. mallie was sweet, as always, but she just doesn't look at me the way samson does. and he likes to sleep in my lap. i love that. they'll be going home around lunchtime today. it's a little sad, though i'm sure steed and molly millions will be happy to have their house back. they've been nothing short of pissed at me since friday. as a going away present, i let all three dogs up on the couch with me this morning for some napping and licking and carrying on. i'll miss them. it's true.

z got a digicam this weekend. a nice one. expect an exorbitant amount of pictures in the very near future. for the time being, it's sitting in its place of glory right next to the couch so z can stare at it lovingly and marvel at its shininess and expensivity.

on the personal front, i'm feeling a lot better. big ups to my one boss, who called his doctor and got me a prescription for good ol' amoxicillin, no doctor's appointment necessary. that's illegal awesomeness if you ask me.

and as far as everything else goes, it's like i'm living in this little comfort pocket, where nothing's really all that great and nothing's really all that bad, and i think that's probably what's best for me right now. don't get me wrong, i'm happy. i just know there are some aspects of my life that i'm keeping at bay, maybe even choking back, and they're begging for my attention but i just don't know if i have the energy to deal with it all right now. maybe that's selfish, maybe it's lazy, maybe it's the wrong way to go about things. maybe i'm just putting off the inevitable, maybe i'm trying to let the world work as it will without interfering, and maybe i'm just trying to stay dry.

i'm glad the ewoks are back, it's been really quiet.

***lulu is on the phone right now, she's rasping into the phone, she's totally lost her voice. this is not keeping her from talking for...five minutes now, telling me about how she can't afford x-rays, and some little yellow pill, and doesn't know how long it's going to last. and now she's been talking for ten minutes...eleven minutes...christ, woman! even on the days she doesn't come in, she manages to drive me batty.

Your comic relief saved you. You were probably
the hero's best friend and messed up a lot, but
helped him in some major way, believing in
yourself, near the end. As the sympathetic
character, you live.


How fast would you die in a cheesy zombie flick?
brought to you by Quizilla

yeah, i stole it from rjx, so what?

it's really very scary not knowing what you're doing. and i, my friends, don't have a fucking clue what it is i'm doing.

sometimes i pretend like i do, but that's all a bunch of hooey.

you knew that.

poor bonzo.

well, i was right. the girl that works at the stupid-a by my work is indeed a lez. and she does indeed have a crush on me. today, she finally let me in on it. after months and months of making me mildly uncomfortable by doing such things as staring at me in line, no matter what she was doing or where i was in said line, calling me things like "honey" and "sugar" and "sweetie," and trying to guess what i wanted before i even got to her ("any cigarettes today, cutie?"), today was the day.

i took my fountain dew and my cough drops up to the unusually empty counter, and said my typical "how are ya?"

she got that nervous little half smile look on her face (she reminds me of this sorta retarded girl crystal that i went to middle school with), and said "of all of your dresses, that's my favorite." and then she looked away blushing. she looked back up, perhaps to gauge my reaction, at which point, i was hastily shoving my goods into my purse and pretending to look for my keys.

"i keep meaning to ask you. do you live around here, or just work?"

"well, i work in the circle, but i don't live too far away."

"cuz i think i saw you the other day out walking your dog."

now, if i ever took it upon myself to walk george, this might be a possibility. however, i am a self-proclaimed lazy slut, and have never once walked george any farther than ToTheCar or ToTheBackyard. and so, i figure it wasn't me she saw...

anyway, i just agreed so i could get out of there, i didn't like where this was going... and as i was saying my usual "thanks, have a good one," it happened.

"um... can i ask you a question?"

"sure, what's that?" i responded nervously, against all of the better judgement i've ever had.

"you don't, by any chance...date girls, do you?"

"no, no i don't." i said with much authority, as this is one of those things i'm totally sure about, girls do absolutely nothing for me, and i've made out with some pretty hot ones in my day, thank you very much.

"oh. okay. well, i guess no harm in asking, right?"

right. except i'm never going to come in your store during the morning shift ever again. not that i have anything against lezzes, it's just that i don't like feeling like that sorta retarded girl crystal from my middle school is staring at my tits again. that's all.

it's hot in here.

anyone else think so?

sheeeiiiiiiiiit, i'm burning up.

alright, anyway, it's been a nice day. g-man's out of town for the whole week, he's the stuffy one who cares how i dress and insists that i work full days. big daddy, the other boss, comes and goes and thinks i should do the same. when it's just me and him, the pressure goes WAY down, and i actually kind of remember why i liked this job in the first place.

i've played some games, done quite a bit of work, and run some errands. i'm much more productive when i work at my own pace.

but enough of this, i'm going home. it better not be hot there, too, or else i'm gonna start worrying about my hormonal levels. i mean, i'm 24, what the fuck is it, hot flashes?

sick sick sick.

i want some soup and some soap operas. i just might get both of those things, we'll see.

anyway, i'm totally out of hilarious things to say.



maybe some other time. maybe.

i've been thinking a little about this movie i saw, probably seven years ago or something, maybe you've heard of it. jism eldor and i called it "wet dreams may come," though that's not the real title. anyways, from what i remember it's about this guy (robin williams in his most horrific performance ever) who is sad because his wife has committed suicide (played by angela tucci i think, and that's funny because when i was growing up, that's what my dad and sister and i called the "bajoina." "tucci." or "touchie." or "toochie." whatever, i never had to spell it back then).

anyway, again, from what i remember, robin williams goes to some place that looks like a painting and it's supposed to be maybe purgatory or something, or maybe he's dreaming, i can't remember. but that guy who is omar gooding's (from wild and crazy kids, of course) more successful older brother plays this gay dude (was he gay?) who leads mork through these fields of paint and magic and gayness and tells him things like "do unto others" and "don't touch that you'll get staff infection!"



eventually they make it to this nasty hell-type place that really looks remarkably like a smashing pumpkins video. and then his wife is there or something, and there is some tension, maybe some drama, i believe there were children involved in some way or another. anyway, i had a dream last night, it was a lot like the smashing pumpkins part of that movie. i was on this boat, but not in the water. instead, there were all of these nasty disembodied heads where water should have been, and i was just tearing ass in my bitchin speed boat (with a sail), trying to get away from them, because for some reason, i knew they were "bad." i mean, when are disembodied heads ever good, right?



so i woke up really quick, and realized it was all just a bad robin williams movie, and it couldn't hurt me anymore.

it was a nice speedboat. i don't know dick about speedboats, but in my dream i was totally messing with gauges and buttons like a pro. do speedboats have guages and buttons? and sails?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YATCH!

ah, the weekend that was. i am quite fond of the three-day extravaganzas, and also not opposed to the resulting four-day work week. there was rain, there was swimming, there was puking, there were funny hats, and most importantly, dairy queen ice cream "cake" with its delicious crunchies and hot fudge. and schmra left right before the karaoke began and the bun found his calling. too bad.

got my "first of da' monf" tasks taken care of, now i'm just waiting for lunchtime. yeehah lunchtime. i'm going to try to scrounge up $1.91 so i can hit the mcd's today (it's a craving, i can't help it), but my change supply is looking really coppery and so it might not happen. oh well, there's always honeycomb at home.

on a different note, i want new jeans and a new bathing suit. waaaaaah!