ye olde crapfest

i started this whole blog thing back during the second rjx phase; he started his, and i guess i just wanted to see what all the hoopla was about. at that time, i also considered myself to be a comical genius, and i figured that between my friends and me, we could create the most hysterically inventive thing ever to grace the superweb. i signed up megan p, unhitched mix, and j-bun howerton thinking that the four of us, our powers combined, should be able to entertain the crap out of the masses. the trouble was, i ended up using it sort of as a journally-thing, i was rarely able to come up with anything to talk about, much less funny stuff, because i was way too preoccupied with emotional drama and...well, basically...crap. and no one else really ever got into posting things. sure, there was episode I: life!--an incredibly good idea that just never panned out (but shit, some of it's funny), but even that eventually ended up being plain old lame.

anyway, that was the original crapfest. it was blue, remember? i deleted it at the end of the third rjx phase, on a wine-induced whim. i was feeling sorry for myself and reading through the entries from the past year of my life, feeling like all of it meant nothing and it wouldn't matter if it disappeared for all eternity. i read the stuff and realized that there wasn't a whole lot to it, except for vague references to the crap that was plaguing my life at any given time. i also realized that, at some point over the last few years, i had become categorically "unfunny." sure, i can still tell a story "with the velveteen touch of a dandy fop," but in truth, it just feels like i've lost the touch. something's not the same.

someone once suggested that perhaps my humor is more of an interpersonal humor. i do well with people, in person, interacting and playing off of my surroundings. perhaps this is true; i don't know, it's hard for me not to feel self-conscious in those situations, too. i'm not sure what it is.

anyways, the old crapfest disappeared, and it was "crapfest 2: the return of the brigade patrol goes to hollywood." bright new colors! no more sad sappy sorry stuff! a new leaf! yeah, that didn't really last too long. i managed to let my insane personal life get in the way there, too. read the archives, you'll see. it's all that vague stuff that doesn't make much sense to the general public. yeah, that stuff.

i blog because i sit in front of a computer all day. eight hours to kill, two hours of work to do--you do the math. i'm growing VERY VERY TIRED of sitting in front of a computer all day. some people love it; thrive, even. i've had enough silly fights--about fucking friendster, instant messages taken the wrong way, various superweb bad-mouthing sessions gone wrong--to make me think maybe it's time for a break. i mean, eventually, you have to stop checking your ex-boyfriend's website every damn day, right?

this town is weighing me down. it has been for years. i'm more than fed up with the predictability of it all--knowing i can't go to one place or another without the overwhelming probability of seeing this person or that clique or whatever. i suppose it's just not what i need right now. or ever, who knows. i was going to leave around this time last year, but that didn't happen--call it forces of nature. i've learned a lot in the last year, some of it good, some of it bad, some of it necessary. let's itemize:

• i AM a girl after all. imagine that.
• i am capable of breaking old habits
• people are gonna do what they're gonna do, regardless of how you feel about it, or them, for that matter...
• my friends kick ass
• i do not enjoy watching old people get it on
• "forever" = about three months
• honesty really is the best policy, jebus wasn't kidding
• there are good dudes out there after all
• cats die
• people leave
• never get comfortable, that's when things really start getting crazy
• if you fart at any time during the bukkake, you have to start all over
• i love too much
• i require too much love
• i need to do something completely different with my life

it's really scary, i'm having trouble just getting the energy to talk to people or do the everyday stuff i have to do. my appetite's way off kilter, i can't sleep (god knows it's ALL I REALLY WANT TO DO), and i feel this enormous pressure sitting squarely atop my head, shoulders, and chest.

i am free to go. so i think i'm going.

but i'll be taking baby steps. no sense in being totally drastic about it; it just doesn't seem right to rush and make emotionally-super-charged decisions.

baby step number one: systematic removal from my j-o-b, and also from this blasted superweb.

this is the end of the crapfest. it was fun, sometimes, but it's just not anymore. i could change my mind, i don't know. if you really miss me, feel free to get crazy on the archives; there's tons of stuff there from way back that i'm sure you've forgotten all about. i won't delete it this time around--there's a lot of stuff there that makes me feel kinda warm and fuzzy, reminders of good stuff that's happened lately, and even some things that are laugh out loud funny, at least to me... and don't forget all of the ellipses! so many ellipses!

chris's blog led to my blog led to many other blogs, and it's cool how we've created this mini lex-vegas community to keep us occupied in the lean times. but i think i'm done with it.

i may post links from time to time, but as far as personal stuff and the rest of it goes, i'm going to figure out some other ways to express myself. like hooking.

to those eight or ten of you who look at this site every day, thanks, you're my buddies. to those hundreds of people who got here looking for "horsepenis," you're sick.

i'm out. it's gonna be a few months of off-the-wall nutso roller coaster action. i love roller coasters, but still, there's always that little voice in the back of my head that screams "get the fuck off of this thing, are you crazy you are totally going to die!!!!!!" but they keep you strapped in, so once you get going, there IS no getting off.

i just gotta get strapped in.

wish me luck.