ye olde crapfest

no, not the aerosmith song, though i'm sure you'll now have that lovely piece of turd stuck in your head...

what's truly amazing is that, even after a very long time, certain things, certain people, certain thoughts can have this effect on me, magically transporting me back to other times, other circumstances, and i can instantaneously recall all sorts of emotional hogwash. not just recall, but feel all over again as if it's all happening right this very second and i'm stuck in the middle of it.

but i'm not, that's all i gotta remember.

i'm not stuck.

i'm good. vomity memories are just that--memories.

as real as it feels, it's all in the past. like, bygones and shit.

alright, i got that all out. i feel better already.

and now, i am going to head over to boomer's blog to offer her a little comment-based moral support. for those of you who don't know her (or me, for that matter) very well, i assure you, we are "stand-up ladies." there ain't no fucking with us, unless you're prepared to be hexed or cursed or made to look really dumb. so, remember that.

it's pretty cool. i have this tendency to kind of...jump sort of headfirst into these kinds of things. you know, like, no plans or anything, so my first "test" thing has an upside-down "S" and the intended "Be Excellent To Each Other" turned into "BEST CROSS STITCH EVER" on account of a spacing problem. ain't no thang, i just bought a whole bunch of... um... cross stitch fabric stuff (?) and a new framey thing, so i'm all set for the next big exciting project, miss megan "the rude little facist" pistachio's going away present. i plan on... planning this one. i'll let you know how it goes. i'm going to figure out a way to turn anything i want into a cross stitch pattern, it will most likely involve graph paper and the zoom function in my favorite program ever, m1cr0s0ft paint.

george sniffed my butt just a moment ago, it was unsettling.

anyhooo, thanksgiving was nice. relaxing, full of food, lots of laughing. good people at the kids' table and bourbon at noonish. it was strange not being around my father for the first thanksgiving ever, but he came down for a ball game on friday, which, in some deep philosophical sense that you "laypeople" can't hope to understand, made up for the missing thanksgiving thing in many interesting ways. blah blah blah.

nice to see shoobie, who came all the way from ATL to visit on saturday. we played pool and made with the jokes and there was beer and jesse called him "jason." good times, good times. he's technically my only jewish friend. technically. i mean, unless you count mallie, i think i remember her saying she was jewish, and i caught her reading that article in cosmo about kaballah, that's jewish, right?

and now, for my last interesting tidbit: i am still waiting for the early christmas card/money (read: "trick gum") that my mother has promised she's sending my sister and me. i suppose it's tough to get the mailman to stop by the truckstop. i suppose.

there aren't enough pictures on here lately, lots of words, so i figured i'd post something that always makes me pretty happy, a creepy picture involving a unicorn.

i was thinking this morning about a trip to the boston road goodwill, maybe... four or five years ago(?). it was back when gravis court was The Place to Be, where you'd always find j.bun in some shiny pants and a slightly-sideways hat standing at the kitchen counter "pumping out the jamz" on nickalicious's old dmx. me and j.tall (and maybe someone else?) were just dickin' around. i believe we'd gone to kroger and just pit-stopped at the goodwill for the hell of it. anyways, i digress...

that particular day at the goodwill, i spied a box about the size of a baby's coffin, maybe a little smaller. on it was a very late-70s, early-80s woman dressed in the style of disney's "mousercise" (a la lilac leotard and pink leg warmers accented with matching pink sweatbands on the arms and head), only THIS woman was hanging by her boots from a rod in her closet. i realized quickly that these were no ordinary boots. no, in fact they were gravity boots, and they were there, available TO ME.

so did i buy them? of course not.

now, let me clarify. i have NO IDEA what normal people use gravity boots for. a quick google search tells me that modern gravity boots are very high-tech and sporty, and cost about 90 dollars. so i'm assuming people use them for exercise. but also, something keeps telling me that i've heard rumors that folks use them for the sexulation as well. i'm naive, what can i say.

so why did i want them? i'm not sure. exercise? sexulation? i haven't a clue. what i do know is that i've had slight pangs of regret stemming from that fateful day ever since. i'm quite convinced that i've missed out on a million awesome anti-gravity-type things as a result.



well, i've successfully killed a half hour composing this pointless tale.

in other news, i just got my FREE digital scales from some online postage company. i will totally use them! to weigh postage! and stuff!

that's right, i HAD plenty to say. but work's been such a lame piece o' you-know-what (oh yeah, i don't cuss now. since like, eight seconds ago when i said muthafuckin'. okay, i guess i cuss again.), that i haven't had the time to eat, read the news, catch up on my favorite daytime television hits, OR download things illegally. my lazy disposition does not allow for things like this to happen to me very often, and when they do, i tend to TOTALLY stress out and feel as though i've been deprived of my basic human right to relaxation.

but that's just me, whining yet again.

so unfortunately, you miss the story of the boys' first soccer game, in which the other team, we'll just call them "al qaeda" were referred to by the mop-headed kid as "dirty mexicans" and "spics," resulting in total chaos and the future destruction of a small town in kansas or south dakota.

and you miss the story of the fax machine, in which our own favorite superbumpkin karla comes TEARING ASS to the front office, where she proceeds to ask in this frenetic-type voice at the top of her lungs "WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN BE WRONG WITH THE FAX MACHINE THERE ARE NO LIGHTS ON THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL!?!?!?!?!" and i look up from the eighteen stacks of total shit that i'm working on and say to her, "WHAT THE FUCK DO I KNOW DID I GO TO FUCKING FAX MACHINE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING? CHECK THE PLUG AND MAKE SURE THAT THE THING'S TURNED ON FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" and she still doesn't stop. instead, she proceeds to say (much more quietly this time) "well, i've never had to turn it on before, where's the power button?" and then i just died from the pain and horror and sadness of it all.

and you miss the story of my recent religious epiphany. it's kind of a long, drawn out kind of thing, but in short, i now believe everything ever written in the bible. so much, in fact, that i plan to make it my life's work to talk to young children and do whatever it takes to convince them that MY STORY is the right story, and that they shouldn't listen to people like tom cruise or rodney dangerfield, that they are scientologists and atheists and that god strikes people like them down with lightning bolts and cancer and comas and gay-ism.

so that's what's up with me. i'm working on the last round of tapes here, then it's homeward, where hopefully, a delicious feast awaits me. hahahahahahah, that's so funny cuz i'm the one that cooks. so that'd never happen.

enjoy your weekends, loyal crapfesters. i plan to completely erase my mind this evening. it may take eight bottles of wine, but i'm willing to give it a try.

yo. i turned the overhead muzak on channel 96 today, aka "hot jamz." i can definitely taste the "z" in "jamz." it's yummy.

in other news, the boy has promotional/raise-type action in his very near future, and i'm immensely happy for him. he's spent the last year or so being highly underappreciated and equally underpaid, and it's about damn time those folks realized they've got an intelligent, hard-workin' man at their disposal. and he has all his teeth, which i'm told is really rare in the construction biz. so, congratulations big black zoomfield! Special Events for all!

heels and jeans today (this information is being shared solely for the benefit of boomer, who always seems to find that amusing). it's not that bad, save for the excruciating pain that goes along with listening to myself click and clack across the floor. lordy, i do HATE that noise.

and in keeping with the girly theme of today's post, i got bored this morning and put on some blue eyeshadow. i tried to take a picture, for posterity's sake, of course, but i couldn't find the camera. perhaps later, although the majority of the "scary makeup girl" effect will be lost by then.

so instead, here's a picture of jeebus laughing.

i like to think that he just farted, and that it really stinks, and all of his disciples are making fun of him, but that he, being jeebus, is really enjoying it.

i wanna go home. i'm all crampy. it's been a nice couple of years without much action in the "lady-parts gone wild" department, so here's hoping that i'm just stopped up or something, and that my ovarian cystas are just chillin', hangin' out, not causing any trouble. i've used up "all" of my insurance-approved visits to the lady doctor ("all" = ONE PER YEAR HOW GAY IS THAT?!?!), so if anything is awry, i'll have to either diagnose it myself or ask the magic 8-ball.

and, this means nothing to 99% of you, but... the holiday tape is IN! miss boom, get on over here to start your eight dollar an hour dubbin'! woohoo.

god i hate my fucking job.

but i do love george, especially right after he's had his hair done.

i would probably be a metalhead.

so, thank tae-bo jesus it's not the 80s.

it's tuesday. i have a lunch "date" at max & erma's with yet another insurance dude. this one used to be a bigshot at kroger, he KNOWS PEOPLE, so i may just try to get in good with him, since it seems like i'm gonna be here for at least a while. always good to know someone who KNOWS PEOPLE to get things done.

i've been doing some more thinking about what it is i'd like to do with my life. some of my new ideas include:

• catering
• interior design
• bong hits (wait, that's ALWAYS on the list)
• vehement extortion of the christian population
• money counting
• world's best mama
• lion taming
• translation of classical poetry (i was good at that)
• professional tv watching
• internet celebrity
• cashier at the slone's up the street
• record store owner

those all seem feasible, right? and talk about lucrative! i mean, translating classical poetry!?! there's MILLIONS to be made there, i kid you not.

on a totally unrelated note, i found a bug inside my boot today. alive and crawling. it took way too long to take the fucking thing off and get mr. bugsalot lopez-fitzgerald out of there, but once i did, it was deathtime-dot-death. dot-com. dot-net.

this morning, i got in the car and went to the gas station, parked, and opened the door. i stepped directly onto four-fifths of an eggo waffle, partially syruped. it made an interesting squishy noise.

that's right, i said it. work can just go on and die, for all i care. DIE, WORK!!!!!

i'm protesting the whole concept of "work" today, by taking an extra-long lunch, going to pick up some "hydro" on the clock (NOT during my extra-long lunch, on a totally separate jaunt!), and of course, fake-scrabbling. i'm winning a lot lately, which is always good news. losing makes me wanna smash things.

so, who'd like to join me in my arduous struggle against the 9-5 work machine? if we just keep showing up and doing the things that need to be done, then how will we ever change the system? oh wait, we can't change the system, i forgot-- those pigfucking christians won't have it. haha, i wasn't gonna talk about that, but i did. damn.

so i had this idea (zack sorta planted the seed, i just took it a little further) that it would be totally bitchin to do christmas costumes this year. i think i'd wanna be the unicorn of christmas, or maybe tae-bo jesus.

pooty-poo-poo. have a good weekend everyone. i'll be relaxing maybe baking. we'll see.

i won't waste my valuable scrabbling time creating my own rant; i think there are plenty of people out there who are saying the things i'm thinking right now, so i'll just do a little recycling and present the following: extracted from today's daily mirror, which is, of course, a limey publication and everyone knows they don't know dick about amurkka or gawd or dentists, right? right????

i thought it was right the fuck on. but that's just my opinion.

GOD HELP AMERICA

Nov 4 2004


THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN..


THEY say that in life you get what you deserve. Well, today America has deservedly got a lawless cowboy to lead them further into carnage and isolation and the unreserved contempt of most of the rest of the world.

This once-great country has pulled up its drawbridge for another four years and stuck a finger up to the billions of us forced to share the same air. And in doing so, it has shown itself to be a fearful, backward-looking and very small nation.

This should have been the day when Americans finally answered their critics by raising their eyes from their own sidewalks and looking outward towards the rest of humanity.

And for a few hours early yesterday, when the exit polls predicted a John Kerry victory, it seemed they had.

But then the horrible, inevitable truth hit home. They had somehow managed to re-elect the most devious, blinkered and reckless leader ever put before them. The Yellow Rogue of Texas.

A self-serving, dim-witted, draft-dodging, gung-ho little rich boy, whose idea of courage is to yell: "I feel good," as he unleashes an awesome fury which slaughters 100,000 innocents for no other reason than greed and vanity.

A dangerous chameleon, his charming exterior provides cover for a power-crazed clique of Doctor Strangeloves whose goal is to increase America's grip on the world's economies and natural resources.

And in foolishly backing him, Americans have given the go-ahead for more unilateral pre-emptive strikes, more world instability and most probably another 9/11.

Why else do you think bin Laden was so happy to scare them to the polls, then made no attempt to scupper the outcome?

There's only one headline in town today, folks: "It Was Osama Wot Won It."

And soon he'll expect pay-back. Well, he can't allow Bush to have his folks whoopin' and a-hollerin' without his own getting a share of the fun, can he?

Heck, guys, I hope you're feeling proud today.

To the tens of millions who voted for John Kerry, my commiserations.

To the overwhelming majority of you who didn't, I simply ask: Have you learnt nothing? Do you despise your own image that much?

Do you care so little about the world beyond your shores? How could you do this to yourselves?

How appalling must one man's record at home and abroad be for you to reject him?

Kerry wasn't the best presidential candidate the Democrats have ever fielded (and he did deserve a kicking for that "reporting for doo-dee" moment), but at least he understood the complexity of the world outside America, and domestic disgraces like the 45 million of his fellow citizens without health cover.

He would have done something to make that country fairer and re-connected it with the wider world.

Instead America chose a man without morals or vision. An economic incompetent who inherited a $2billion surplus from Clinton, gave it in tax cuts to the rich and turned the US into the world's largest debtor nation.

A man who sneers at the rights of other nations. Who has withdrawn from international treaties on the environment and chemical weapons.

A man who flattens sovereign states then hands the rebuilding contracts to his own billionaire party backers.

A man who promotes trade protectionism and backs an Israeli government which continually flouts UN resolutions.

America has chosen a menacingly immature buffoon who likened the pursuit of the 9/11 terrorists to a Wild West, Wanted Dead or Alive man-hunt and, during the Afghanistan war, kept a baseball scorecard in his drawer, notching up hits when news came through of enemy deaths.

A RADICAL Christian fanatic who decided the world was made up of the forces of good and evil, who invented a war on terror, and thus as author of it, believed he had the right to set the rules of engagement.

Which translates to telling his troops to do what the hell they want to the bad guys. As he has at Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and countless towns across Iraq.

You have to feel sorry for the millions of Yanks in the big cities like New York, Washington, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles and San Francisco who voted to kick him out.

These are the sophisticated side of the electorate who recognise a gibbon when they see one.

As for the ones who put him in, across the Bible Belt and the South, us outsiders can only feel pity.

Were I a Kerry voter, though, I'd feel deep anger, not only at them returning Bush to power, but for allowing the outside world to lump us all into the same category of moronic muppets.

The self-righteous, gun-totin', military lovin', sister marryin', abortion-hatin', gay-loathin', foreigner-despisin', non-passport ownin' red-necks, who believe God gave America the biggest dick in the world so it could urinate on the rest of us and make their land "free and strong".

You probably won't be surprised to learn of would-be Oklahoma Republican Senator Tom Coburn who, on Tuesday, promised to ban abortion and execute any doctors who carried them out.

He also told voters that lesbianism is so rampant in the state's schools that girls were being sent to toilets on their own. Not that any principal could be found to back him up.

These are the people who hijack the word patriot and liken compassion to child-molesting. And they are unknowingly bin Laden's chief recruiting officers.

Al-Qaeda's existence is fuelled by the outpourings of America's Christian right. Bush is its commander-in-chief. And he and bin Laden need each other to survive.

Both need to play Lex Luther to each others' Superman with their own fanatical people. Maybe that's why the mightiest military machine ever assembled has failed to catch the world's most wanted man.

Or is the reason simply that America is incompetent? That behind the bluff they are frightened and clueless, which is why they've stayed with the devil they know.

VISITORS from another planet watching this election would surely not credit the amateurism.

The queues for hours to register a tick; the 17,000 lawyers needed to ensure there was no cheating; the $1.2bn wasted by parties trying to discredit the enemy; the allegations of fraud, intimidation and dirty tricks; the exit polls which were so wildly inaccurate; an Electoral College voting system that makes the Eurovision Song Contest look like a beacon of democracy and efficiency; and the delays and the legal wrangles in announcing the victor.

Yet America would have us believe theirs is the finest democracy in the world. Well, that fine democracy has got the man it deserved. George W Bush.

But is America safer today without Kerry in charge? A man who overnight would have given back to the UN some credibility and authority. Who would have worked out the best way to undo the Iraq mess without fear of losing face.

Instead, the questions facing America today are - how many more thousands of their sons will die as Iraq descends into a new Vietnam? And how many more Vietnams are on the horizon now they have given Bush the mandate to go after Iran, Syria, North Korea or Cuba...?

Today is a sad day for the world, but it's even sadder for the millions of intelligent Americans embarrassed by a gung-ho leader and backed by a banal electorate, half of whom still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11.

Yanks had the chance to show the world a better way this week, instead they made a thuggish cowboy ride off into the sunset bathed in glory.

And in doing so it brought Armageddon that little bit closer and re-christened their beloved nation The Home Of The Knave and the Land Of The Freak.

God Help America.

why do i vote in a church?

and why do the "election officials" at my vote-a-church try to hand me buttons and flyers about g-to-the-o-to-the-d? i mean, something about that makes me feel a little pukity.