2.04.2005
they couldn't find my cervix!
heh. so this week was doctor/dentist week for slappy... "tooth #4," aka the one next to the one next to my right upper canine, was in sad shape. a visit to the local dentisteria fixed that, and hopefully will keep me from having to have a massively costly and rednecky-sounding root canal in the future. so my mouth is feeling loads better, thank you very much.
the next day, i had my yearly physical with my new doctor. she's pretty cool, and looks sort of like my friend imran from high school. my blood pressure, weight and body fat index are all hunky dory, as are my cholesterol and blood sugar. she was also the first doctor ever to give a name to my high bilirubin thing. turns out it might actually be good for me in some ways... also, i've been given a headache diary to hopefully stave off some of the hurty, complete with dietary recommendations which i have no hope of following. haha, no red wine, no aged cheese, no citrus, no caffeine my big fat headache-havin' ass.
so the funny part was, her assistant had some trouble whilst probing my junk area. now this might sound a little sexy if you're skimming along, but it really wasn't at all, i promise. she took about a half hour (prolly not that long, but it seemed like forever) inserting and retracting the speculum, having me rearrange and assume strange positions, all in hopes of finding my elusive cervix. it just didn't want to make an appearance. now i've been the proud owner of this particular cervix for going on 25 years now, and never did i realize that the thing moves around. not only that, but many women have...cervices(?) which are noticeably tilted in one direction or another. my personal tilt direction happens to be "upward." what's yours?
anyway, the doctor came back and eventually found it (thanks be to cod--i was starting to get worried there for a minute), and the rest of the visit went swimmingly. i gave them four huge vials of my delicious blood--presumably so they could drink it in one of their crazy doctors' office rituals-- and went on my merry way.
the end.
the next day, i had my yearly physical with my new doctor. she's pretty cool, and looks sort of like my friend imran from high school. my blood pressure, weight and body fat index are all hunky dory, as are my cholesterol and blood sugar. she was also the first doctor ever to give a name to my high bilirubin thing. turns out it might actually be good for me in some ways... also, i've been given a headache diary to hopefully stave off some of the hurty, complete with dietary recommendations which i have no hope of following. haha, no red wine, no aged cheese, no citrus, no caffeine my big fat headache-havin' ass.
so the funny part was, her assistant had some trouble whilst probing my junk area. now this might sound a little sexy if you're skimming along, but it really wasn't at all, i promise. she took about a half hour (prolly not that long, but it seemed like forever) inserting and retracting the speculum, having me rearrange and assume strange positions, all in hopes of finding my elusive cervix. it just didn't want to make an appearance. now i've been the proud owner of this particular cervix for going on 25 years now, and never did i realize that the thing moves around. not only that, but many women have...cervices(?) which are noticeably tilted in one direction or another. my personal tilt direction happens to be "upward." what's yours?
anyway, the doctor came back and eventually found it (thanks be to cod--i was starting to get worried there for a minute), and the rest of the visit went swimmingly. i gave them four huge vials of my delicious blood--presumably so they could drink it in one of their crazy doctors' office rituals-- and went on my merry way.
the end.
# posted by Nancy Cunningham @ 12:45 PM 
I've been aware that cervices can be tilted, but to my knowledge mine isn't. However, it is often surly.
—C.
—C.
# posted by 
: 3:44 PM
: 3:44 PM
I am also tilted up. They say it's gonna affect my ability to concieve... I am happily trying to test that theory!
alas, no, champ. in fact, the physicians assistant who couldn't find it was REALLY REALLY UPSET that she couldn't find it... i'm not sure if it was her first time or whatever. pap virgin. but she must've apologized about twotyfour times. it made me feel so bad for her, and my natural tendencies toward stand-up comedy came into effect. i began making jokes along the lines of "trying to remember to bring it along with me next time," as if i'd somehow managed to leave it at home. it was a weird scene, man. weird.
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