ye olde crapfest

has anyone else seen the commercial for booger king's tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch featuring a cowboy hootie? i think it might be a whole minute long.

i'm just waiting for the one-armed drummer from def leppard to try to sell me tampons.

fuckin' hootie.

the trip to la'ville went as planned... except for the wendy's on 5th and liberty that we planned to visit was CLOSED, so there was no eating til midnight. but anyway... i ran into a lot of folks i was really happy to see, and only like, five people that i wanted to throw eggs at. it could've been MUCH worse, trust me.

the show was great, though there were some downsides. some 15-year-olds insisted on heckling. heckling slint. motherfuckers. and there was the guy in front of me who couldn't wait an hour for a cigarette and lit it up right there in the middle of the (very nicely decorated and rather uppity) brown theater. i bet he put it out on the carpet. again i say, "motherfucker." and the first band TOTALLY BLEW. i have no idea what they were called, but let's just say that if artie from pete and pete was 1000% less cool and funny and had a band that played a cross between horrible noise rock and 60s poppy belle and sebastian sounding shit, this would be that band. they played a few songs, illiciting a less than impressive response from the audience and then the main dude goes "i don't feel like playing anymore," and the crowd went wild! somebody was like "yeah, get the fuck off the stage!" and so they did. it was sort of awesome, in a mean-ass kinda way. but they really and truly did suck. if i ever figure out who they are, i'll warn you yet again.

the indie rock costumes were disappointing, i gotta say. i only saw like, 50 girls with the typical indie rock haircut (mega-stacked in the back, obviously dyed either red or black or some combination thereof, with the long hardcore looking dangly faceframing shit up front, and often accented by some sort of head-wrap-band action). then again, i only saw about 50 girls, as it was quite a sausage fest.

i found out that at least two people i know are getting married, at least one person i know has a job which requires him to wear a suit all day (very very weird if you knew the dude), and jism cut his beard off (peer pressure is a bitch, man). and i only ran into one person with whom i had "relations" in the past. phew.

i brought the camera, but left it in the center console when we parked. the walk back to retrieve it seemed too long and cold to attempt, though i'm kicking myself today. no pictures from me, but jism got it mini-disc'd and took some pics as well. if i can get 'em, and you care to see 'em, let me know.

an early morning errand for work took me through good old downtown lex vegas, a place i rarely if ever visit nowadays, seeing as how i live in the burbs and love it with all my might. it was entertaining, nonetheless. i cranked (and i mean cranked) up the icky mettle (hi, j) and drove down the usual streets, taking in the usual (and some new and unusual) sights. in less than ten minutes, during the five minutes in and the five minutes out, i managed to see the fast walker--this kid with an afro and a hoody that walks...fast...with his cd player held out in front of him for blocks and blocks and days and days-- and good ol' wilma; i saw hobos at the hobo shower (surprise!), and the new fancy "count down the seconds" walk/ don't walk signs on the corner of main and slimestone. i saw my old boss (dork) and i saw sam's hotdogs (yum!). i saw the guy with the strange protrusion from his belly (it looks like a stomach wang, no kidding) who used to hang out in my old hood down on mlk.

aaaah, memories. i'm having trouble deciding if it's comforting to know what you're going to see and run into everywhere you go every time you go there, or if it's the most annoying thing ever.

i got new tennie-shoes, people. the gray vans (ca. 1999) have been replaced by the NEW gray 'roos. got quarters in the pockets and velcro for the fun noise-makin' action. i am in shoe heaven.

peace out, weekend it up for jeeesus.

my mouth hurts. i'm currently frantic, trying to make arrangements to have my three remaining wisdom teeth removed. it is time. i'm also trying to work it so that i can maximize my time off work. there will be no friday afternoon surgery/ weekend recovery for this biatch, no sir. i can totally handle pain for a few days, especially if it comes with drugs and tv.

in other news, there have been very dramatic, worthy of friday's episode soap opera goings-on here at the ol' place of work. if only we had an office monkey for the comic effect, i might actually be able to stomach sitting here all day long everyday. cheating and lying and general shenanigans have come to light, and some people are very unhappy. and one boss thinks the other may be bugging him. like, as in recording his conversations. is this shit for real?



oh, i guess i haven't posted since v-day. for those who are curious, it was without a doubt the loveliest i've ever experienced. i've never really been much of a romantic or anything, and definitely tend to date people of the same general mindset, so it was pretty foreign territory and all... chocolate covered strawberries and dinner and sweet sweet sweetness... yes, fun was had by all. it was just a really good day from start to finish, and i realized i'm a pretty lucky girl.

i know, i know...


so anyway, i'm starting to get pretty excited about going to see slint next week. it's a pain in the arse to have to drive to louisville and back on a "school night," and i'm freaking out a little about how much fun z's gonna have, not knowing anything about them and all. but i must give him props for being all gung-ho about it anyway. hope he's not disappointed do you hear me, slint? you better play good OR ELSE!.

i'm practicing my subliminal messaging tactics. i think i know someone who would be proud.

happy Lub Day, to those who are "counting." to those who are not, happy mcardle's birthday!

anywho, in case you were wondering, i'm alive. i spent the last half of last week home sick with mr. zee bee, who fell victim to the flu. floo. flew. fleu. at first i intended to stay home and make sure he didn't die of loneliness while he watched movie after movie on the couch, but eventually i ended up with a touch of the ick myself. so we built a monumental cocoon and didn't emerge for days on end. it was a beautiful thing.

for the record (in my opinion of course), the following movies are total pieces of suck:

* "the rundown," featuring walken, the rock and stiffler. and monkeys.

* "love actually," in which super-hokey shit happens and stupid music plays (though there are a couple of funny parts, most of them involving kids cussing or wearing spiderman face paint in the christmas play)

* "the village," wherefore peoplefolk talkest like this in a real bad-like fashion and Nothing Scary Ever Happens

but we'll watch anything once. seriously. even alien vs. predator. you think i'm joking but ask me anything, i'll tell you what happens. the chick, she like BECOMES a predator.

so anyway, we were hermits for four and a half days straight, and it was fantabulous. i hated having to go to work today, though i'm not sure how much i ever really DON'T hate having to go to work. and now i'm home, putting off the horror that is "Picking Out Something Actually Fairly Nice to Wear to Dinner with a Boy." i absolutely dread POSAFNTWTDWAB. it really just makes me more aware of my minor retardation when it comes to being girly. dad never wasted much time grooming my sister and i to be "ladies," and from what i can tell of the whole deal i can't say i blame him.

so that's all for now. i gotta go do that girly thing. we're going to dinner, for real, not just pasta plus or maggotdonalds or anything, and it's kinda exciting. though i'm sure two hours in heels will remind me WHY i prefer the drive-thru just about any day. i still get to hang out with the coolest dude in town, either way.

in keeping with the whole "theme" of the day, i'll leave you with a picture of something i love. it really and truly is a bacon cheese dog. you're to assume that i love bacon and that i also love cheese dogs. and also, you're to assume that i'll be trying one of those ANY DAY NOW.

and gave everyone a delicious cheese cony! that's what happened, seriously!

anyway, it's monday and you know what THAT means-- it's "Wear Your Muddy Dog Park Jeans To Work" Day! either that, or i dressed in the dark. either way.

stuporbowl sunday came and went, and i ate fourteen pounds of assorted tasty foods prepared by myself and ms. erin "trust me i'm a doctor" edwards. there were 7 of us eating, and enough food for probably 25. this does not mean we didn't put a dent in it. a considerable dent, even. and my team won! woot! i don't really give a flying crap about the nfl, but everyone who knows where i'm from seems to assume i'm a patriots fan. long ago, i decided that this was just fine with me, seeing as how they consistently WIN and make me a consistent vicarious WINNER. so, go pats, i guess.

and in other news, i've got nothing. jack shit. squat. dooky. zilch.

oh, except that stevie wonder's REAL name is Stevelandjudkins Hardaway. no kidding, you can look it up.

heh. so this week was doctor/dentist week for slappy... "tooth #4," aka the one next to the one next to my right upper canine, was in sad shape. a visit to the local dentisteria fixed that, and hopefully will keep me from having to have a massively costly and rednecky-sounding root canal in the future. so my mouth is feeling loads better, thank you very much.

the next day, i had my yearly physical with my new doctor. she's pretty cool, and looks sort of like my friend imran from high school. my blood pressure, weight and body fat index are all hunky dory, as are my cholesterol and blood sugar. she was also the first doctor ever to give a name to my high bilirubin thing. turns out it might actually be good for me in some ways... also, i've been given a headache diary to hopefully stave off some of the hurty, complete with dietary recommendations which i have no hope of following. haha, no red wine, no aged cheese, no citrus, no caffeine my big fat headache-havin' ass.

so the funny part was, her assistant had some trouble whilst probing my junk area. now this might sound a little sexy if you're skimming along, but it really wasn't at all, i promise. she took about a half hour (prolly not that long, but it seemed like forever) inserting and retracting the speculum, having me rearrange and assume strange positions, all in hopes of finding my elusive cervix. it just didn't want to make an appearance. now i've been the proud owner of this particular cervix for going on 25 years now, and never did i realize that the thing moves around. not only that, but many women have...cervices(?) which are noticeably tilted in one direction or another. my personal tilt direction happens to be "upward." what's yours?

anyway, the doctor came back and eventually found it (thanks be to cod--i was starting to get worried there for a minute), and the rest of the visit went swimmingly. i gave them four huge vials of my delicious blood--presumably so they could drink it in one of their crazy doctors' office rituals-- and went on my merry way.

the end.

why is there no for-the-ladies equivalent of playboy? i mean, seriously. there was playgirl, but it never caught on. why? it only seems fair that us womenfolk should, if we so desire, have the option to keep a stack of "totally legitimate" pr0n on, say the coffee table, or in the bathroom. for company and stuff, too, you know? only, instead of having naked bitches, it'll have lots and lots of pictures of wang. big hot sweaty man-wang. muscles a-ripplin', fondlin' their junk, etc... and of course, very interesting and informative journalism. of course.

here is what i imagine it would be like.

image removed for the love of god

are you grossed out? why? last month's centerfold was all pouring olive oil on her privates and making a "ooooh" face, is that gross?

so, is this a million dollar idea, ladies? don't we ALL secretly want to be able to ogle men (and wang, more specifically) during the downtime? what say you, superweb?