ye olde crapfest

i'm becoming an un-blogger.

i guess it's just that the daily life is pretty uneventful... like clockwork, really. nothing too exciting ever happens, but i can't say i'm complaining about that. some folks live their own personal soap operas, and they seem to love it and thrive on it. i am not one of those people.

so, here's my boring-ass recap of the long long weekend, which should have been a camping weekend, but turned out not to be because of "The Economy."

friday evening, z and i spent about 200 dollars on assorted plants, flowers and shrubs. we then returned home and watched a movie. sleeping ensued.

saturday morning, we managed to spend another 200 or so on MORE assorted plants, flowers and shrubs. saturday afternoon was spent putting half of the purchased goods in the ground. we quit at 6:30 on the dot. it was a long day and my legs felt like jello. watermelon jello. i think we stayed up til 10 that night, maybe... watching baseball and being all high. and then, again with the sleeping.

sunday morning, more of the planting. this time, we were joined by z's parents (the landlords/overlords), who helped us complete some other projects, like adding another set of steps to the deck and laying a brick patio. the planting, sawing and hammering and masonry were done around 3ish; the overlords departed; z and i decided to take "a quick break" and mulch (the last big thing left to do) when the sun had retreated a little. it's safe to say that never happened. we fell asleep on the couch and when i woke up at 8, i was perfectly content to sit on the couch with a boy in my lap watching delicious food tv shows. fuck mulch! z woke up around 10, we ate some cereal and proceeded directly back to bed.

and then there was monday. we figured we could finish mulching in an hour and spend the rest of the day in the hammock. NOT SO! little things, like the dog park and some taco bell came up, and we ended up conscripting the help of t-bone buttersworth and her landscaper beau to Get The Job Done. thanks again, soon-to-be-bday-girl. p.s. we doing something for that bday or what? so yeah, the mulch got done, we sat down for a minute and then z got a phone call-- FratBro McMysogynist needed a ride from the airport and wanted to grill out. so that's what happened then. i made bacon for the burgers, and that, my friends, was my Memorial Day CeleBacon. we passed the rest of the night with some more movies and sitting, and now, here i am, yet again, typing teh bullshit into the 'puter.

so i got really dirty this weekend, and that's about it. i'm quite tan (i know, it's wicked hard to believe), and my biceps feel gargantuan. we took some pictures--i just need to resize them and make them postable, and then i will... well... post them.

on another note, i was thinking yesterday... my friends are all relocating, and pretty soon here, it's gonna be nearly impossible to find anyone to do anything with. if i were to have a party this weekend, i can think of roughly eight people whom i could invite, and three of them might be able to make it. where does a hip young couple go to "meet people" and "make friends" in this town? strip clubs? church? champs rollerdrome? i mean, i'm really at a loss here... and i miss my buddies. stupid north carolina be stealing folks away from me and shit.

okay, i'm done. pictures soon, i promise... all i've been talking about lately is all of this housework shit, but really, if you saw it before and you see it now, it's pretty amazing the work we've done. it's nice to see the finished product, and you can't help but be a little proud of your handiwork.

cranza, out. 2003.

Gallery of the Absurd: Gossip Fueled Art. genius.

yeah, i'm talking to you. no, not you... YOU!

today's been a shit day. i'm in a craptacular mood for no apparent reason. but now, work is over, and my favorite person on the whole damn planet will be home in t-minus fifteen minutes, and it's gonna be alright. at least until tomorrow morning at 8:52am when i will once again get in the car and drive to that wretched ant-infested place. that's right, ANTS! in the ladies bathroom! ew!

and now for my next trick, i present: HUMANS WITH TAILS!

it's been a while, i apologize. and today's post won't be anything special, so if you're looking for special, i suggest you visit this page. so anyway, i have been busy with the working, and that, my friends, is lame. i am ready to quit my job, quit looking for "a career" that i "love" and just get a twenty hour a week dealy somewhere fun, like the bong store, or the flower shop, or the kitten factory (where they MAKE kittens, not grind them up, of course). the only thing standing in the way of my plan is money, so i'm once again trying to hatch a fool-proof scheme that will net me hundreds of thousands of millions of dollars on which to live and buy pointless things for myself and my animals. easy!

all i'm saying is, if in ten years i am like "running" this company, someone PLEASE SHOOST ME. i will not resist, flinch, or in any way attempt to avoid it. unless, of course, i'm "running" the company in the same way that the current owners "run" the company; that is, "paying someone a shit rate to do everything while i run around and do whatever i want and pay for all of my fun with the company credit card." if that's the deal, then it's a pretty sweet deal and maybe i should just keep it.

my arms are tired from painting things. house, shutters, etc.etc.etc... i need a weekend for chillaxing. i'm hoping to camp in vajina or west vajina this weekend--camping with bacon and beers, not the kind of camping where you just take water and beans deep into the woods. that's not chillaxation enough for me right now. i hope it all goes thru, cuz i'm dying to see boomer.

and in conclusion, jesus is coming, hide your belongings. pooty-poo.

well, i just officially booked airplane tix for the annual "trip up to the homeland to get harrassed by my own mother." we're sticking with the plan, which seems to be the plan every year: "don't tell mom i'm coming." if she finds out, fine. if not, then we'll just pretend like i was never there in the first place, and her fucked up existence will continue on as usual. i'll arrange for some secret meetings with my brother. he'll play along, i just know it. i wasn't even going to go this year, but aunt lori's got china for me. my grandmother's china. isn't that special? yeah, anyway, she called and i told her i didn't think i was gonna make it this year and she almost cried. that woman is everything her sister (my mother) should have ever been and more, and i cannot stand to disappoint her. so z and i discussed it, and we're gonna do it, but we ain't drivin'. our "sell cigarettes to pay for the gas money" scheme won't work this time around, so i'm just going to take donations from my family for the ticket costs. and i will hook.

just kidding.

on the lighter side of things, i'm looking forward to not having to be at work for a whole week. i plan to go to the beach as often as possible, and i will be having someone physically stay home with molly so she can't go off gettin' all deadened while i'm gone. we won't have that again, no sir. that wasn't really the lighter side at all, was it?

and now, i'm hungry, so i'm gonna go eat lunch.

fuckin' a friday! come monday morning, i will yet again be wanting to pull all of my hair out at the thought of spending yet another long and arduous week at this place. work has gotten a little busy... not that there's much work per se, but more of a general buzziness, due to the increase in bodies around here lately. there are a lot more metaphorical traffic jams, phone mix-ups and dumb things to take care of than ever before, and since i'm the Queen of Everything around here, i get to deal with all of it.

but that's not important now. once this one thing comes in, i can go get my nails did and get the hell outta here. scratch that getting the nails did thing, i just remembered that there's lots of manual labor to be done this weekend and i ain't wastin' the money just to get worms all on 'em.

i'm going to a ball game tonight. the local lex vegas legends will battle it out against some team, which i'm just guessing is the "pikeville prophelactics," or some such other smalltown club. we got tix to the richfolks area, though, so i'm planning to have GIANT richfolks pretzels and MAGICAL richfolks cotton candy, which just HAVE to be better than the stuff you can get in the plain-old stands, right?

we almost got another dog this week. another great dane. same size, same color as george. only "cleo" is a girl. it kinda sucks, cuz i'd love to have her around, but we just don't have the room. z's initial plan was "fuck it, we'll just move out to the country," but i think he realized that doing that and getting the dog would have to occur very soon, and it just ain't too practical.

well, that's all the gossip. except "people be havin' sex." there's that. people always be havin' sex.

peace out, comrades. while you're enjoying your lazy weekends, i will be getting sunburnt on some scaffolding trying to convince the landlords (or is it "overlords?") that i'm not planning to paint the door and shutters ELECTRIC FUCKING FUSCHIA or some shit.

oh, also, MY TIGER LILIES ARE BLOOMING LIKE CRAZIES! oh the joy, the orange joy!

the following is a replica of a flyer found on the streets of la'ville one hot summer night long, long ago. it was boomer's bday, we'd gone to the state fair and were wandering around the highlands, maybe looking for jonathon shaloo's mom's house? maybe?

anyway, it was great. and that phone number is actually MY old number in la'ville. call it, ask for me, see what happens and tell me all about it.

thanks to the super awesome suggestion of deaner, i have created another masterpiece for my "gonna get fired" series. i'm very proud of it.

lamies and gentlefolk, i give you...



i couldn't quite capture the face and the makeup EXACTLY as i wanted to, but it's very close. i also wanted to include her glasses, but ms paint has no "coke bottle lens" effect to acheive the correct blurrification.

today's title is an actual quote from the above-pictured "lulu." it was about three weeks after she'd started working here, and the bossman took us to opening day at the local horsey track. i'd had a couple'o gin gimlets (mmmmmm...gin gimlets), and wasn't prepared when this woman, my dad's age, pulled me off to the side and whispered--in that "loud as shit people can still hear you" type whispery voice-- "hey, is this thing still bleeding?" pointing to the makeup-caked remnants of a much picked at zit.

things haven't been the same around here since.

tonight, the real rush to complete the transformation of the exterior of the bloompsey house begins. we've spent the last few weekends (on and off, thanks to weather) prepping the house for the eventual painting, re-guttering and relandscaping blitz.

weeds were killed. twenty-year-old shrubs were wrenched from their strongholds beneath the earth. big ol' holly trees were cut into millions (okay maybe not millions) of tiny pieces and carted off to tree heaven.

land was tilled. mulch was spread. new shrubs were planted. broken and disfigured pieces of siding were ripped down and replaced with NEW! IMPROVED! pieces. all that's left is to pressure wash, paint, lay down some pavers in the backyard and finish planting, and life is back to lazy. i can't effin' wait.

in other news, i got a pretty good six dollar haircut last night from the ol' beauty school down the street. only lost a half inch, but the shape, it's totally different!

my coworker and i (i think i'll refer to her from now on as "flossy," cuz that's what st3v3's decided to call her) are currently doing something kinda nefarious, which involves tracking down the dumbass mother of a UK student--this mother was on the tv last night talking about how it was just so hideous to think that her 20-YEAR-OLD daughter had a COLLEGE assignment for her hum@n s3xu@l1ty class that required her to go to a strip club or pr0n store and write a paper about gender roles and assumptions. this bitch actually told the tv cameras "i mean, what if someone she knew would have seen her there?!?!"

i mean really, what if!?!?!?!?!?!?!

what a dumb yatch. she seemed to me to be one of those "i never had to work" type lex vegas moms, with way too many worries about what the other lex vegas faggoos think about them. we called the tv station and flossy pretended to be a "reporter" from the university paper who needed the mom's name for a quote. we are now trying to figure out where she lives, *just so we know.* this story was like the #3 story on the local news last night. the mom's trying to get the course removed from the curriculum. i want to go to her house and just talk to her, calmly, and tell her to STOP BEING SUCH A PIECE OF CRAP.

(yes, i know the word is sacreligious... i just think sacrilicious sounds much tastier)



(credit due to rjx-511, finder of funny pictures. tanx, holmes)