ye olde crapfest

well, xmas came and went, and i neglected to blog about it. go figure. it was a pretty good one this year, and i got my first ever gift of jewelry from a boy. diamond earrings, niggas! tasteful, 14K white gold posts, and just the right size, so that i can wear them all the time--in short, they're bling-arific!

but xmas isn't about presents, it's about remembering the birth and subsequent resurrection of some guy who may or may not have lived roughly 2000 years ago and who may or may not have been the son of god, god being this thing that may or may not exist, the jury's still out on that one. so yes, there was church, and singing and joyful praise and screaming babies, and then there was eggnog and visiting, and the next day, more visiting and more babies, and then the next day, i met the fockers, and then the next day i called in "sick" to work so i could chill the fuck out a little.

how's that for a recap?

today, i put on an excessive amount of my NEW! burt's bees brand blush creme (thanks reba), in an attempt to make my cheeks and nose look abnormaly rosy. it's working! every time the boss walks by he goes "wow, you look really flushed." sucker.

not that i want to go home. zack's there with his new girlfriend, grand theft auto: san andreas, and i get awfully bored just sitting there watching that shit for eight hours at a time. two hours, even three or four i can handle, but i can't do ANYTHING for eight hours straight, even if i'm getting paid to do it, so i can't understand the urge to sit in that chair all day, taking brief time-outs to piss or wolf down a hot dog. but i guess this is something that boys just do. i knew i shouldn't have bought it for him.

jesse will be here in a while to fax something. looks like that's shaping up to be the highlight of my day. which is better than, say, getting PID (hi, mom!).

oh! pirates vs. ninjas, friday night. i'm starting to get excited.

i forget a lot of things. i've been in denial about it for years, but i think i'm finally getting to the point where it's safe to say one of the following things:

1) the old age cometh! 25 is soon, and we all know, 25=dead.

or

2) maybe i'm a bit of a stoner after all.

both of the explanations above are scary in their own right. this whole "old woman" thing is relatively new and uncharted territory, and i guess i'd just better get used to the fact that, in addition to possible forgetfulness, it's gonna be all saddlebags and extra chins and widening asses from here on out. woohoo. but the stoner thing? that can't be it. that's my thing, man, is that i've always been able to chong-it-up like it's my job, all the while maintaining my ability to function and keep my shit reasonably straight.

and yet, the forgetting! it's getting a lot worse lately. granted, the things i'm forgetting are relatively mundane and non-life-threatening, for example--every day, i pull a dew out of the fridge to take with me to work...three days out of five last week i somehow managed to leave my dew laying around elsewhere in the house, thereby creating a massive headachular effect due to inadequate caffeine intake. lame! and then today, i'm walking out of the house on my lunch break...i'd stopped by there SPECIFICALLY to get the dvds i forgot this morning. i was there for ten minutes, i said hello to mr. bongenstein (read that carefully, it's a secret code name), and then got halfway back to work before i realized...wait for it... yep, no dvds.

acting stupid makes me feel stupid.

anyway, enough about my waning brain power, let us now switch gears completely and talk a little bit about something that i hold very close to my heart: delicious wine.

i can see why it's been so popular throughout the history of civilization, seeing as how it's just so incredibly tasty. i just went to the liquor barn to buy some gifts and stock our wine rack, and i did very well, i must say. i purchased almost an entire case (after you buy 6, you get 5% off all of them!), and every bottle i got is rated above an 87. which is good, so they say. i've never really gone by that whole rating scale thing, cuz i figured it was just some scam the mormons were running or something, but i figured, "what the hell, it's christmas!" so i only got stuff that's been deemed worthy by the secret panel of wine judges. the best part is, i did enough digging and examination that i found the vast majority of them for under 10 dollars. i splurged a little on the gifty ones, but as for our own personal stash, price matters not. get a couple of glasses in me and i'm good to go--you could pour me red kool aid spiked with everclear after that and i might not even notice.

wait, yeah, i'd probably notice.

so, okay. i've been here most of the day, i've done ONE work-related thing (it involved printing out an invoice and putting it in an envelope AND THEN--god this is exciting--putting a stamp on it and taking it to the post office!), and i'm thinking my boss will cut me loose any second now. i'm hoping.

i've got baking to do and wine to drink! so that's where i'll be, if anyone should need me for anything.

i apologize for the craposity of my posts lately... things are quiet and pretty generally good, and i don't have much to say, but i'm so bored i'm looking for anything to kill time. blogging works for that. totally.

what do you do when your bosses insist that you spend at least seven hours a day during this holiday week in the office, knowing full-well that you have negative five things to do? well, scanning things to make aesthetically pleasing cd and dvd covers can help to pass the time, but it gets boring after a while. there's always the candy-eating alternative, but the faster i eat the candy, the sooner it disappears... so i guess i could maybe clean out the supply closet, or try to fix the dishwasher. i guess. scrabble doesn't sound that fun, and besides, they'll be expecting that; i can't be getting caught, or i'll surely be reprimanded mightily.

sooooo... other things, other things...

i'm going to the grocery today to stock up on the necessary supplies to make a fantastic buttload of assorted holiday cookies and cakes and treats--that's what i plan to give to all the people that i didn't get real gifts for. it's kind of a cop-out, i guess, but at the same time, who doesn't like cookies? am i right?

one final thing--congrats to mr. guy "you need to call my ass" johnson, who knows who he is and why i'm congratulating him. please drop me a line at your earliest convenience, i wanna yell "wowza!" in your ear and get the full-on scoop!

look at these seals! they live on the moon or something!

it's monday again. it's always monday again.

anyway, first order of business, i have a request for humanity. please, humanity, stop with the killing of 8-months pregnant woman and scooping out of their babies, please stop with the shooting-up of nightclubs where people are just trying to rock out, and please stop with the making of the sex with animals--i mean, think about the animals for chrissake, they don't want to be doing it with you. and also, please stop with all of the other totally fucked up shit you know you're not supposed to do, it's just not that cool, i don't care what anybody says.

moving on, this weekend was fun. my christmas shopping's pretty much done, and i've even finished with the wrapping! the annual company party came and went, and once again i ate beef and drank lots of alcohols, and as usual, big daddy had a few totally questionable drunken outbursts that made me laugh to the point of tears. i got my christmas cards in the mail, finished my first real-life non-practice cross-stitch project, copied about a hundred dvds for myself, for z, and for assorted peoples' christmas presents. in short, i was very productive. and now, i go limp until february, so if you want something you're gonna have to come and drag my ass off of the couch using candy or homemade macaroni and cheese as delicious bait.

and for my last story, jesse and taylor and i managed to sing (harmonies and all) every single bit of queen's "bohemian rhapsody" while standing in line at kohl's on saturday. i really hope that someone in our general vicinity appreciated it and went home and told their family and friends of the aural pleasure bestowed upon them in the checkout line.

nothing ever happens. people get lazy, including me! the parking lot at work is pretty empty and everyone takes two hour lunch breaks if they bother showing up at all.

i myself am at home, watching soap operas and playing with the aminals. i'm determined to get a picture of molly actually looking at the camera. it's hard to do now that she automatically associates the sound of the camera turning on with the big red grid that flashes to test the light before each shot. it's like a laser pointer, only GIGANTIC. she's fascinated. george is farting--a lot--and that's all i have to say about him right now.

i was trying to use the mirror in the bathroom to reflect the magical red grid in a spot where i could get a picture of me AND the cat, both of us looking at the camera, but she bailed off the side of the sink at the last second. so what we end up with is a picture showcasing my deep religious fervor, greasy hair and really dirty mirror. i think i like it.

really, it doesn't have a whole lot to do with "the season." i just got some new pics sent from the dadman, and some of them are awfully cute.


i do love the ocean, i do i do.

i also love this jacket (the blue one). we had gigantic mouthfuls of candy here. that's kinda funny, cuz i have a gigantic mouthful of candy right this very second, too! i guess things don't change much. does my sister look funny, or what?

dad was 24 in this picture. with two kids. amaza-crazy.

work is boring today. anyone wanna come visit? we can draw with my many-colored sharpies!

today, an accomplice and i braved the onslaught of holiday shoppers and idiots in a feeble attempt at finishing my christmas shopping. in the allotted time, we were only able to make a couple of stops. those stops were, in the order in which we visited them:

1. gun shop A
2. unnamed sex shop
3. gun shop B

i had to return to work then, but i did enjoy the browsing at assorted bows, arrows, guns and gun accessories, and of course, slutty (yet somehow classy!) corsets.

and if i can get outta here soon enough, it's off to unnamed sex shop B, where hopefully the selection will yeild greater success. oh dear, sweet gag gifts, i don't know what i'd do without you.

the one thing i didn't do on the ol' lunchbreak was EAT. i'm now craving some mighty strange things, like kale and banana splits and this awesome hot chicken stuff my dad makes for sammiches. yum yum yum.

but she's happy to have a real life tree in the house, either way. so, here's a picture of it in all of its tree-like glory.


some of my favorite additions, ornament-wise, include the aforementioned ren hoek, and orko, as well as bart simpson, that awesome copper phoenix i got at the buffalo fun ranch, that moose ornament we bought at wal-mart (it's so artist-a-rific!) and what i'm pretty damn sure is the only AM Flavor xmas ornament in existence.

and if that wasn't enough for you, here's a nice shot of our homemade tree topper, constructed using a pretty star shaped ornament--never intended for the big time-- carefully scotch taped to a wrapping paper-covered toilet paper roll. am i a genius or what.


and then we have the necessary action shots, featuring molly millions playing with her new favorite toys. and black santa.





so there you have it... pictures appeared when i said they would! and now, i'm gonna go smoke a big ol' fat one.

for the lord. of course.

might as well face it.

there's a big ol' post coming soon, just as soon as i get a chance to sit down and take some pictures of the xmas festive-ness at the bloompsey house. i was quite the suzy homemaker this weekend, with the ornaments and the wrapping of gifts and whatnot. i'm excited to show the finished product, which is my first ever xmas tree since i moved out of dad's house way back in 1998. jesus, 1998, that was like, forever ago. i'm old. but i still have ren and orko on my xmas tree, so i can't be that old.

in other news, i ate some mushrooms on friday night that ended up not really being very mushroomy at all. i've been a little disappointed ever since. if anyone would like to send me some free replacements or anything, i'd be glad to accept them. nothing like building yourself up for buttloads of late-night fun and ending up in bed at 10pm.

prepare yourself for pictures; they're coming, and this time, i mean it.

genesis is underrated and phil collins gets a bad rap. there, i said it. i didn't necessarily mean it, but that's neither here nor there, am i right?

i know you've all been wondering about my progress on the cross-stitching. well, it's going quite smashingly, thank you very much for asking! i'm moving right along with boomer's going away present, and i have some totally wicked ideas for other folks. i'm not doing it right, not even close, but it's still all coming out alright in the end.

i'm having trouble writing this entry, as I keep getting interrupted by numerous and various "boss's secret girlfriend" calls and fax-related emergencies, etc., so i'll quit for now, until i have some time to focus and be hilarious.

but, one last thing, i just realized that in mundane online conversation, i unwittingly passed on a friend's (friend #1) AIM name to another friend (friend #2), and friend #2 thought it was a DIFFERENT dude, same first name, yes, but they've been sorta chatting for like a week and i've been hearing from both sides about it. until today when my mistake was brought to light and the two realized that they had been conversing with each other for no reason and now i'm IM'ing them both trying to figure out how to resolve the awkwardness that resulted. this is the funniest shit ever.

so it's been a few days... my cousin's wedding happened, and the entire wedding party was underage and they all looked at me like i was GOD when i came in with the bride and groom's "secret cooler full of beer their dads gave them to share with their friends in the limo" and placed it, ever-so-carefully, under the head table. and later, my ghetto sister and i had "words" about how i was a "fucking bitch" cuz i wouldn't leave right after we got there so she could get home to her 30-something drug dealer boyfriend and her trendy xanax habit. so, i stalled. i stayed as long as possible just to see her grow more and more pissed off and to hear her accent get more and more "ethnic."

and then there was sunday, in which i grocery shopped and not much else.

it's all been a blur since then, as things at gaytime dot gay have gotten really busy and stressful. as i've been driving home the last couple of days, i've felt this overwhelming desire to just torch this place and watch it burn and burn and burn.

and burn.

i'm trying to come up with more exciting material, but it's been rough lately. i do so much "work" at work that my brain just isn't interested in doing much else.

karla is talking again. i know this might come off as being a little harsh, but i think that her makeup and perfume would be an excellent accelerant, or even a firestarter. she wants to make plans with me, kind of a "girls night out," to go see my boss's daughters' dance recital. in march. i told her "i think i'm busy that day."

so, we need a picture. i'm gonna google "burn lady burn" and post the first usable image i get. i hope it's funny.

i'm up early, for a saturday. the big man was out the door at 6 for work (work on saturday morning, what crap!). i returned to bed for about an hour after that, but my mental alarm did its job and at 7:29 sharp, and i awoke feeling half awake and maybe 18% alert and sprinted downstairs to begin the arduous process of Putting My Ass Together.

it took about a half hour, and i'm not totally done yet-- i still have to put some makeup on and get my stuff₁ together, but that'll only take ten minutes. i have to hang out til 9 to make a quick stop by n@tion@l shitty bank to do some banking for the boy, and then the gas station to prepare ECTO 1₂ for the journey, and then, i'm off like a prom dress₃!

this whirlwind adventure should come to an end sometime around 11pm, at which point i hope to at least be somewhere on new circle road, if not already sitting in my living room drinking some bourbon. i won't be able to drink too much at the reception, seeing as how i'm driving home. in fact, there's a chance i will spend most of the ride home coming to term with the fact i gave up free booze. as usual, i'm way off track here...

so then, hopefully, if i'm not too tired or sick₄ or anything, it's off to the ice house for steve artman's show. and after that, maybe a game of shuffleboard or a bake-off.

well, i'd better get to finishing up those footnotes. i'm really dense in the morning, like david foster wallace without all the vocabulary and the education and the good writing skills and stuff.

my toothbrush is calling out to me, i must answer.

ciao.

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¹ "stuff" = the pouch with the weed in it and flip flops so i don't have to drive in my heels
² my car, formerly known as mandrake, recently renamed. thanks rjx-511.
³ well, not my prom dress. my prom date was waaaaaay too drunk to be doing anything even remotely sexy on prom night. in fact, he passed out and i went to smoke a blunt with my friend sara and some fire alarms (not set off by the blunt, though that would be a better story) and craziness ensued.
⁴ any time i go up to NW ohio for any family related anything, i come home sick. it's always 10-15 degrees colder up there, maybe that's it. or maybe it's the terrorists. not sure.

i ordered some shoes online (against my better judgement), but lo and behold THE FUCKERS FIT! just thought i'd share.

on the return from my most recent (1100 mile) jaunt up to rode hiland, i noticed a light on my console, not in the usual "red flag" area near the oil light and the check engine light... more like, next to the temperature guage and clock. the light said "ECT PWR." i don't know dick about cars, but i do know about ghostbusters, so i immediately took that to mean "ECTO POWER" had been activated! i was worried-- i didn't know if ECTO POWER was a good thing or a bad thing, i mean, some of the ghosts in ghostbusters weren't totally bad. ECTO has a very mixed connotation for me, and i was driving, so i needed to concentrate on other things. so i had zack do some detective work, and he discovered a rather large button on the console, bigger than both the defrost buttons put together that read "ECT PWR, ON/OFF." i turned it off, just to be safe, and then forgot about it.

until the other day. one morning this week, i accidentally turned it on whilst fumbling with my mittened hands to turn the heat up. i left it on, just to see what the deal was. i couldn't tell that there was any deal. got to work, and actually remembered to google "96 toyota avalon ECT PWR," and wouldn't you know, it doesn't mean ECTO after all (though i will continue to refer to it as such). i still don't really know what the ECT means, but the button, when pushed, is, according to those "in the know" on the superweb, supposed to give me "more acceleration."

riiiiiiight.

so, the next few weeks will be the ECTO POWER trials, in which i do numerous and various tests on the accelerational qualities of ol' mandrake. hopefully, ECTO does not drain the vehicle of valuable fluids like, for example, gas, cuz that shit costs a lot of money, and i'm not paying top dollar just to be able to go faster than my v6 engine can already go.

so, if anyone wants to tag along tomorrow on a 400 mile journey to the armpit of ohio for a wedding and some serious ECTO testing, lemme know! it ought to be totally... um... fun. yes. fun.

flashback to 1989 or so, my first year at n1nd3 s. w1ld3r elementary school. this was the same year it was decided that i was a genius and needed to be pooled with the genii in something called "advanced classes." ms. weinberg's class simply wasn't challenging enough for me, and all of the kids in her "regular" class were far to dumb to be concerned with anything besides their liz claiborne purses (you're in FOURTH GRADE, BITCHES!) and who was coming to their slumber party. nikki heiniger (sp?) was in that class, she moved that year to bolivia or something, thus giving up her "queen of the balloon barette and only girl in class with a boyfriend" crown to kr1st3n "that bitch i sometimes still run into" utl3y. anyway, on with the story...

that year, i had to play catch up with my spanish lessons. in ky, they started the kids young on learning the mexico-speak... this wasn't even an option back in rode hiland and ohio. so, i got to stay after school in the library with senora whatsherface to learn conjugation of verbs. one side-effect of my after-schooling was that i got to spend a lot of time around the resident "lie-burian," who worked in the "lie-bury," miss thelma something or other, maybe smith? anyway, she was quite the "red" individual, and i was a yankee, so her super-dee-serious accent floored me on numerous occassions. she was a bitch, too. oh, and bald! sometimes in the afternoons, when she figured everyone was gone, she would take her wig off and place it on its white styrofoam fake-head resting place. i walked back to the a.v. room one day to ask her something and caught her, hairless. she freaked out and yelled at me for not knocking. so now, i knock. still not the point.

there was one day that class was being held in the lie-bury. it was getting chilly out, and the bald one decided to read us some poems about the cold weather. one of them began "when the frost is on the punkin and the fodder's in the shock..." but it came out of her mouth like "winna fross is onna punkin anna fahduhrs inna shock." and i remember totally being like "what the fuck did that woman just say!?!?!" cuz of course, i said fuck a lot back then. so i couldn't understand her at all, and i picked up my copy of whatever nancy drew i was reading right then and secretly read it instead of listening to her.

so, fast forward to today. i walked out the door this morning, and everything was covered in a light layer of frost, including the pumpkins on the neighbor's porch. i remembered that line, in thelma-speak and everything, and it's been stuck in my head ever since. i looked around, trying to see if i could find any "fodder" or a "shock," but i don't know what the hell either of those things are. i also don't know how the poem ends, so i'm not sure what happens "when the frost is on the pumpkin and the fodder's in the shock." i've been trying to finish it up, but all i can come up with is "something something something about new kids on the block."

i wore puffy paint shirts back then. haha. maybe it's time for that fad to come back, only this time, we'll make it popular with the 20-somethings. are they already doing that in LA or anything? prolly.