ye olde crapfest

how sweet. i think "super assistant's day" was actually like monday or tuesday, but it's the thought that counts. i guess they haven't found my blog yet, eh?

anywho, the week winds down here at gaytime dot gay, and i've been working my (obviously very white girl) booty off trying to be productive. i am dying to get out of here... i think if i make it one more hour that ought to be enough.

i like it how blogger, when you're gonna post a comment on someone's blog, says "Choose Your Identity." i choose "dragoncorn!"


(dragoncorn's the one on the top... he seems to be WINNING)
this is all i have for you at this time. i have had eight million funny thoughts today... would that i could share them with all of you, but alas! mine memory ain't what it used to be, and the funny thoughts flee just as fast as i can birth 'em. ya dig?

it's been three years that i've maintained the crapfest and maintained my jorb here at gaytime dot gay... it's only because the higher-ups here have no idea what the internet is, much less how to use it that i've been able to continue on, and to say whatever my cold, evil heart desires. it is with great trepidation that i continue this practice today, this time i've drawn a picture for you, so that you may better understand "a day in the life" of this particular office biatch.

backstory: i got a bit of a lecture this morning for "disrespecting" my boss, a guy who refers to HIMSELF as "big daddy" by (allegedly) implying he is "shady" in front of the new girl. i would direct you to older posts, in which i detail things like "going to multiple banks with 100,000 dollars in cash getting cashier's checks for under 10 grand" and "pocketing the money from the fake company," but i just don't have the time to find those posts right now... anywho, i never said that he was shady yesterday, but that's the way he took it. hmmm, sounds like someone's maybe got a little talking cricket on their shoulder... but, end result, i'm supposed to apologize. i love apologizing. i'll say things like "sorry you took that the wrong way," and "sorry we don't agree on this or that," and everything will go back to "normal." HAHAHA, normal. come sit with me here for a day and i'll show you "normal."

okay, now for my most recent artistic endeavor. i included some handy labels to guide you. i'm pretty sure if he ever came across this, i'd be busted. i'm now going to go home and veg out on the couch for an hour. enjoy.

if not money, then at least recommend me a good book. it's been a while and i'm in dire need of brainular stimulation. i like just about anything, as long as it's not categorically "stupid." to help you better understand my current state, i've been getting the vast majority of my information from the superweb, 3nt3rt@1nm3nt w33kly and the t0d@y show. this is seriously a horrid, makefunofable thing. thank you in advance.

if i get no comments on this one i'm gonna be diss-uh-pointed. you're all mentalists, i know it...

as much as i'd love to leave that (see below) up here for all eternity, or to include it in every post from here on out, i guess it's time to move it on down the line. soooo sad. it's probably the thing i will forever remember as being "the funniest thing of 2005."

so anyway, tomorrow is little mr. b's birthday, and like a good girlyfriend, i've got many exciting things planned. i bought him a (sort of more expensive than i'd imagined) total surprise bday present which he will LOVE but never in a million years expect. i've tricked him into thinking that i got him a million-dollar flatscreen tv, but we all know that ain't happenin'. i'll let him dream... it's his birthday, he deserves it. i can't say what it is as of yet, because once every four months or so he reads this thing and i'd hate to ruin everything just one day shy of pulling it off. we're also going bowling (anyone want to go? we haven't called people yet, but all are welcome), and eating "savory breakfast wellington," a new recipe i'm trying out for the occasion which consists of sausage, bacon, onions & peppers and cream cheese all combined and wrapped and baked in a crescent roll crust. YUM. the birthday boy has also requested three Special Events, and i guess i've got little choice but to comply. i won't go any further into the details of that, cuz i am a laaady. then, tomorrow night, we're drinking! the old folx are going out for alcohols! look out everybody! z's got high hopes for his longevity... i just hope i don't have to carry him anywhere, he can get heavy with those muscly arms o' his.

it's gonna be piss-ass craptastic weather from this afternoon on into next week. i'm grumbling a little about it, but "this too shall pass." pretty soon it will be hott hott hott non-stop and i can quit bitching. i was so looking forward to planting things this weekend, but i guess it can wait.

alright, back to playing "the sore throat game." i'm trying to get myself excused from this hellhole a little early today. fingers crossed, "folk" style (shout out to the gangs i never knew existed in la'ville, least til' my little sister met and blew them).

i'm so unfocused. what should i write about?!?!?!

well, the weekend was good. tiring, but good. we're pretty much gutting the outside of the house and starting from scratch... ripped out trees and bushes, tilled, planting to happen sometime in the next couple of weeks; ripped out all of the old gutters in anticipation of the NEW! IMPROVED! gutters; threw away two whole trailer loads full of junk, from wood to cinderblocks and pokey things... it was very productive and my biceps are throbbing, presumably because they are engorging with blood as they grow to mammoth proportions. i'm gonna be like chyna from wrestling.


i also checked out the NEW! "off broadway shoe whorehouse" out in developmentville, it's the biggest baddest-ass shoe store lexington has ever seen. i highly recommend it, especially if you're a girl with a burgeoning shoe addiction.

otherwise, i'm working. fuckin' work. it gets no better, even when they almost double your salary, lemme tell 'ya. it's quiet for now, all of the dudes have gone to lunch and today's a "no helper" day, so i'm left to my own nefarious devices. i enjoyed a donato's individual pizza just now, and soon i will embark on a journey homeward, where i will watch a bit of the soaps and maybe joust.

i've been doing really well with my costumery lately, dresses and heels most days, but jeans and heels if i'm feelin' lazy. the funnest part of this particular story is this: for the last couple of weeks, what with the poison ivy and the hardworkin' action, my legs have been all but covered in a spectacular boo-boo collection that makes me look not unlike c0urtn3y l0v3 from the butt down... so they've got their "young professional" sitting up front to greet clients, but damn does she ever look like a crackwhore. oh the ironing.

boom, i will comment here rather than emailing... the unicorn thing? hilarious. i spit out milk.

i don't have much to say, but there are a few items worth nothing in fast-action style.

first, dad and amy are coming to town this evening--they're both iron & wine fans, and were psyched to hear he'd be playing in that town where the daughter-type lady lives. it's gonna be weird, dad (prolly wearing his "obey gravity, it's the law!" shirt cuz he thinks it's hilarious) will most likely make a big deal outta thinking he's too old for the scene. he's been doing that lately, acting like he's some sorta old fart. i don't get it. i mean, his hair's white and he's got a belly like sandy claws, but it's what's on the inside that counts, mang. i hope we get some sorta seat so he doesn't have to stand on his old-man legs for too long.

second, i got this thing i ordered (i love shopping on the superweb--it's especially fun when you actually have money to spend) in a color called "grenadine," and it turns out that "grenadine" is really "hot pink." i never would have guessed that.

and thirdly, rjx, i just saw your brother weedeatin'. he's a regular stanley homemaker.

with that, it is now officially the weekend. i look forward to not having to go to work. anything above and beyond that will be spectacularly satisfactory.

we needs a picture, to round out a week of picturesqueosity.


it's called the "silk extreme thong." i am guessing this dude's got rollerblades on, otherwise i just can't fathom what's so "extreme" about them...

now tell me whatcha gonna do...

okay, anyway, i'll begin today's exercise in narcissism with the results of one of them there internet quiz things, via le lion, which describes me to a tee, if you don't factor in the super oldness and wrinkly skin. i'm just semi-old and my skin is just fine, thank you...


Which Golden Girl Are You?

so i'm sassy. what's it to ya?

in other news, work is going pretty well with the new grrrl, she's pretty cool and likes to laugh at all the same things as me and today we had that (always harrowing for a second) talk where she and i both sorta waited for the other to answer the question "it's 4:20, you know what that means?" so now that's outta the way. she does know, by the way. that's handy.

anywho, i've been actually busy with on-hold related action, and i know that's really exciting to all of my readers. we're getting a lot more clients, and my bosses are getting the urge to be more "professional," so things be changing. meh. i like wearing flip flops just fine, i'd rather we didn't have to go gettin' all businessy, but i guess it was bound to happen sometime.

well, i'm just about typed out. i gotta go load a bunch of yard-trash onto the trailer to haul it out to the boonies for disposal. afterwards, i think we're gonna stop at CVS to see if they've got any leftover easter candy at bargain basement prices. i lead such an exciting life, don't i?

oh, also, i spilled a whole vanilla frap (that's what i'm calling them now, to save breath) on my desk this morning and was too unmotivated to run to retrieve "wet" for the "sticky," so i kinda just watched it slowly seep onto things. important things like papers, my mouse and the mess o' phone cords jammed under the desk. i eventually cleaned it up but it was sort of fun, watching the poopy brown river of deliciousness spread to the dangerzones.

i cautiously reiterate that whole "exciting life" thing mentioned above.

we'll just leave it at that.

should i blog twice in one day? ah, what the hell. i have nothing better to do--the gossip sites aren't updating very frequently and no one else seems to have much to say... it's quiet, i'm home, off the weed for now, so quite bored, really.

when jism came last weekend, he brought with him a large and varied collection of music i'd yet to hear, and we ripped every last bit of it, so i'm currently enjoying the sounds of twice as much music as i used to have. it's all quite disorganized, since music match can't discern the track names for a live show in louisville from 1998 very well. it always seems to think it's something lame, like "michael bolton's greatest hits" or "chaka kahn comes alive!" wrong and wrong.

so yeah, i'm just killin' time. i'm too bored to play boring games online, isn't that sad? anyway, i'll leave you with a link to something really great, you may do with it whatever you wish. i will now go outside and sit on the porch with a magazine and wait for something fun to happen.

7:21 am at this post's start... that reminds me of a semi-funny story, or at least a story that will clue you in a little more to my particular brand of humor and self-entertainment. in 8th grade, i had this watch--nothing special, just a plastic analog thing with no bells and whistles to speak of... anyway, the summer after 8th grade, that watch stopped working, surely because the battery died. well, i never quite bothered to get it fixed; instead i wore it for the next year and a half, the big and little hands permanently affixed at the "7" and just a hair past the "4," respectively. and anytime anyone, be it my dad, a teacher, that cute junior on my bus on whom i had a big-ass crush--anyone-- would ask what time it was, i would reply that it was, at that moment, "7:21." those who knew better would show immediate signs of self-doubt and make me show them the watch, and would often take minutes to realize that nothing on it was moving. it was 7:21 for a really long time, and i really liked it that way.

moving on, this time change thing is messing with me a little. i'm not as tired as i should be come bedtime, and my head isn't waking me up at the agreed-upon hour (7:40, if you must know)... i'm up today cuz z overslept (again) and woke up at 6:45 all "shit! goddamn it, motherfucker stupid ass alarm motherfuck." it was a lot more action than his usual "slide out of bed all incognito so as not to wake me" routine, so my brane went "ACK!" like the aliens in mars attacks!, and so, here i am.

i'm still sleeping like a baby, when i finally do sleep. thank the lord. after spending my entire high school career not sleeping due to hormones, and a good portion of the college years with my stomach in elaborate knots, the last year or so has been nothing short of beautiful. i get around 7 hours a night, and wake up with the sun feeling nice and refreshed, grogginess at a minimum. i think it's actually helped my body hammer out a lot of its kinks, helping to regulate my weight, keep my appetite going at a healthy clip, etc.

occasionally, george will hinder my falling asleep (or wake me up once it's happened) by licking himself--the sound of which would might be considered vaguely sexual were it not apparent that the sound was in fact coming from a big farty dog cleaning off his big farty bunghole and nearby junk. it usually only takes a firm "GEORGE, QUIT IT" to get him to stop, but sometimes he's too feverishly involved in the process and just can't quit til it's finished. if i manage to fall asleep before he begins with the doggy snoring, then i'm good. it's funny, but every now and then, i have to get out of bed and roll the dog over to quiet his nose and mouth. he thinks he's people.

well, shower time... gotta get ready for another long and drawn-out friday at the office. this weekend's social card is starting to fill up nicely, with tree removal (buh-bye holly trees with your stupid pokey leaves) and stump grinding scheduled for saturday morning and in-the-country grill-out campathon set for saturday evening. the poison ivy seems to have quit spreading, thank god, but it's still making me very uncomfortable, so i hope not to aggravate it or re-infect myself by spending most of the weekend outdoors. oh, and in case you were wondering, the loins are apparently just fine. blood is normal, no coppers came, and she said to just monitor the node and if it doesn't get better in a month, we'll make plans to take pictures of my insides.

it'd be sweet if i could sneak into the lab and switch the ultrasound pics with something else, like this:



or maybe like this:



oh, one more thing--personal aside to boomer... i went to tjmaxx and bought a bunch of shit, just like you said. JUST LIKE YOU SAID!

i am currently eating chocolate chip mini muffins, chugging a vanilla frappuccino "coffee drink," and awaiting a return call from the doctor's office re: the status of my loins. i went to be treated for the poison ivy, and ended up talking at length about my enlarged groinular lymph node thingy. so yeah, they bled me a little, and renee "i have no eyebrows save for those which i have drawn on with this here reddish brown pencil" the nurse called to "go over the results" with me. i was in kroger, purchasing those mini muffins and vanilla frappuccinos when it happened, so i had to call her back. and now i wait, assuming that they've found out about all those illegal substances and they're sending some coppers over to retrieve me and escort me to my doom.

this frappuccino really is delicious. i kiss the bottle every time i have one, i love it that much.

so at one point in the not-so-distant past, i said (aloud, but not to my bosses), "i will not continue to work [at gaytime dot gay] for a penny less than 35,000 AND some office help." i figured that was a ridiculous request- a 26% raise AND asking them to pay someone else in addition to my lazy ass. it was my magic excuse to eventually quit... they would offer me 28K maybe or they would refuse to hire anyone else unless i dropped back down to hourly pittance, thereby effecting my glorious exodus.

INSERT KINK HERE

well today, they called my bluff. i'm now officially making MORE THAN 35K, and i also got a new employee to share the load. they even retroacted the raise a month, so i got a bonus paycheck. money money money money. MONEY! (you're supposed to sing that part).

well now, does this mean i'm stuck at gaytime dot gay forever? oh no, my friends. all this means is that i can make (and save?) more money while i'm training the new blood... and quit at my leisure.

is the plan.

we'll see how this works out. i'm a little worried they're going to take this as their chance to load me up with brand new and previously unimagined responsibilities, like buying and setting up and babysitting a bunch of servers. they don't even know what servers are, but they want 'em bad.

anywho, if you see me out at a bar or something, hit me up for a beer. i'm totally loaded and shit, dawg.

i've got about ten minutes before "regionally famous old dude" gets here to record the message for "local car company." there's a lot to say, not much time to get it all out. i'll try it anyway.

so, this weekend was nice. jism was here, and we did many things, including eating, playing pool and poker, and sin city. sin city kicked much ass, i don't care what anybody says. i'm very tired (stoopid time change), but i'm here, working like a good little girl while the rest of my office is either a) golfing or b) in the bahamas. fuckers.

on other fronts, i was right about that whole 25=dead thing. ever since i hit that bday milestone last week, i've been slowly but surely falling apart. i am currently plagued with all of the following maladies:

• dry socket- yes it does hurt. a lot.
• poison ivy- it's not just for kids anymore!
• blisters galore- i really should get some gardening gloves before i rip all of my hands off
• yeast!- don't get grossed out... girl takes antibiotics, girl gets yeasty. this is life.
• head and ear aches- tooth related, i'm sure.
• major bloating- fuckin' water. who needs it?!?!

i think that's all. and really, it could be much worse, i know... my recently deceased great uncle had to have both of his legs cut off before he finally "kicked" that bucket. my poison ivy (about the FACE, legs, arms and feet!) doesn't much compare, now does it...

uh oh, old dude approaches. i'm out for now. someone prank my office today, i'd love that. thanks.

note the bullet hole (or is it a railroad spike hole?) in the frontal lobe area. birthday magic, t-bone. thanks again.