ye olde crapfest

teste teste. onety twoty threety.

i've been trying to look at all the blogger sites all day today, and couldn't hit them. then, i realized that blogger's all of a sudden putting a www in front of its blogspot addresses. so if you people are finding that your links to blogger sites aren't working, that's the trouble.

enough about that. i am about to leave work for the day. today has been wonderfully stupendous thus far...i got my raise (almost 30% bitches!), got my bonus, and got good news about a number of other things.

tonight promises to be exxxciting, and i will try out my terrible juggling skills--it's bound not to go exactly as i hope, but whatever. whatever whatever.

no internet at home, so i probably won't be anywhere near this thing for a few days. but maybe i will. who knows.

this just in:

dirty crumb plays the dame for one song and one song only, this thursday january 1st at around 11:45pm. be there, or you will totally miss it. it's gonna be great.

this is the rhythm of the night!

does anyone know if the infamous bonnie 'prince' billy showed up at the dame last night? i was too busy eating tacos to get there. mmmmmmmmm delicious tacos.

well, i'm not pregnant. i know you're all as disappointed as i am...i was really looking forward to going on montel or jennie jones and trying to figure out 'who my baby's daddy.' oh well. maybe next time.

jesse's still in the crib. his landlord has been dicking around, it seems, and he's now officially usurping my private property. well, not officially, but whatev. all i know is, i still can't smoke in there yet. but soon. very soon. i like my new roomie. this doesn't mean i do not like the old one. or does it?

so no one's gotten back to me on new years. right now, i've got twoty-three different plans, and none of them are set in stone (megan p, we must discuss proper spelling of numbers, i'm having a coniption trying to decide if it should be d's or t's, i think it should be t's, like forty, etc., but god, what do i do?!?!).

okay then, enough. don't have much to say, really. well, i would like to say "this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps." so there's that.

adios for now. kissy kissy. all that shit.

what kind of shorts do clouds wear?

thunderpants!

good lord.

so i think our (the office) dsl may get shut off today. that'd be bad. i haven't done the things i was supposed to do, so it's entirely my fault if it happens. i am willing to accept this. one boss is in florida anyway, and it's nice out, so i guarantee that the other will eventually go golfing. if it breaks, i will fix it. i hope.

what else what else? the bun is moving out today. that's sad. who will feed my cats when i decide not to come home? who will watch porno in my living room? who will stink up my kitchen with triple-tuna tuna magic? i will miss him. and now i have to start really packing. i hate moving. it's nice that i get to take my time...i plan to be fully out of the ghetto by mid-month. woohoo.

i've gotta have some sort of funny story or biting social commentary to share with you. it's just not coming to me yet. i guess i haven't been paying much attention to things lately. it's been nice.

i miss mix. and until yesterday, i missed boomer. and until wednesday, i will miss mr. w. and starting today, i will miss the bun (well, maybe not starting today, but...). i will be glad when the holidays are through and things get back to normal.

so what's going on for new years? i've done nothing but stupid stupid crap for the last, oh...three or so years, although i've gone out of my way to try to do fun stuff. so this year, i will go out of my way to be as relaxed and indifferent about it as i can, so maybe something incredibly earth-shattering will happen.

maybe taylor and i can drink a bunch of beam and harrass innocent foreign men at perkins at 4am. oh wait, we already did that. we'll have to show you the pictures.

howdy. merry xmas, what's left of it. it's been a lovely day with not much strain or stress, except, of course, for the rampant influenza all around me, the wheelbarrow-loads of toxic mold i escorted to the trash, the slight altercation (accidental, i must say) betwixt my sister's Big Gawdy Fake Diamond Ring and Associated Knuckles and the underside of my left eye, the delicious fiberglass i almost got to taste late this evening, and a one-hour 'locked the fuck outta the house on christmas' extravaganza.

i did get to eat homemade macaroni & cheese, though. so i must say i'm perfectly happy.

best present i got this year was a dvd of all of the old home movies from the days of yore. my dad spent the last month sitting here at this very machine smoking endless packs of winston lights putting this thing together. it's hysterical. there's hours and hours of goodness that i'm sure i'll make everyone watch at some point. hysterical. i'll tell you this: there is actual footage of me in a bodysuit and some short-shorts. i was such a little sixth grade tramp, you guys are gonna die.

speaking of dying, i used this formula i read about in weekly world news to calculate the exact date that i will die. if i can trust the accuracy of this very scientific test, i can say with much certainty that i will depart this world on july 19, 2056. i'm relieved to have all that worrying off my chest. now i can relax and get started doing all of those awesome things i suggested.

so yeah, i suppose that's all i got for now. i'm just bored, really. so i will go play video games. dad's got this bitchin' atari controller that you plug into the front of the TV and it has, like, ten games loaded in it or whatever. i could do that for days. maybe i will. okay. enough.

somebody, quick, say something funny!

sometimes i fuckin' crack myself up.

You're Generally Indie. There's nothing wrong with
this. You like music all over the map and
aren't adversed to listening to some Top 40
here and there. You just know to comment that
The Neptunes are the best producers around
right now. You don't feel the need to debate
constantly with other music geeks, because you
know that Pavement were the best band of the 90s.


You Know Yer Indie. Let's Sub-Categorize.
brought to you by Quizilla

and also, if something is craptastic, does it then possess a certain "craptasticity?" just curious.

my boss was just rushed to the hospital for some kidney stone related thing. i'm a little worried.

i call this "evolution of a man-whore"
or..."proof that jay leno is gay"


...............1997.....................1999.........................2003...................
now you see what years of heartbreak and despair will do to a man.

hooray for lunch with fun people and a lot of bourbon. boo for coming back to work all drunkified and also not having anything pressing to do. i'm now extra-bored and feeling much as i do on a typical friday night at 11pm, having consumed ten dollars worth of makers mark, etc.etc.etc.

my friends are cool.

so what should i do to entertain myself this fine afternoon?

mix says i should look at porn. nah.

shuster says i should come to atlanta for the afternoon. nah.

pushups? maybe some calisthenics? queef olympics (eeeeewwwww)? alright, i'm just being silly now.

i have recently been told the Funniest Joke of All Time. some would beg to differ. most of you would agree whole-heartedly. nonetheless, i will not be able to tell it effectively 'on the line,' so i won't even try. but i am a much more well-rounded person having heard it and spread it across the land. and also, i got this bitchin' scarf and mittens set for xmas (it's my first present thus far). you used to be able to see jami lee curtis wearing it here, but they've changed the damn thing since this morning. so that's still my scarf, but not jami lee curtis. anyway.

i don't know what's going on in this picture, but it sure does make me sad.


okay then. 2003! yeah!

the weekend bordered on excellent. why? because it was totally unscripted and unexpected, lots of good stuff, hung out with old friends and new friends, got some xmas shopping done (it helped having an accomplice, as i tend to get very freaked out by the hustle i.e. bustle), ate cheese conies, watched the extended fellowship of the rings, la la la...

mainly, nothing bad happened, and i laughed a whole lot. this, my friends, is my definition of excellence.

i look forward to leaving the ghetto, seeing pops and scary genevieve, getting some laundry done, etc. i will also venture out to downtown cinci on at least one night and try to pick up older rich dudes who want to make me their love slave.

i'm bored and would like to go home.

that is all for now. check back later, as i'm sure to have something extremely poignant and heart-wrenching for you to read. or not. just check back anyway.

bad news, homies. mmj has cancelled their lexington show. i'm not happy.

okay i deleted it. sailor, you're gonna be mad, but you see, i've gotta keep in mind that i am above all that now. that's all. no shame, no concern for peoples' feelings. just took a ride, realized it's in my best interest not to give a fuck.

"then I would buy a couple houses and everyone could live with me like a rapper..." -hilarious mix

hooray for people! 'nother old buddy--huffer, this time--coming to visit this weekend, and i must admit, i'm really looking forward to it.

what else? company christmas extravaganza tomorrow night. us bums will dress up (well, i'll dress up--big nicky will just wear that brown corduroy blazer with some sort of unmatching shirt underneath and call himself dressed up, but that's okay), eat delicious malone's and drink drink drink til it becomes necessary to call 231-SAFE. and i will get my christmas bonus. they're being awfully nice to me nowadays, which i can understand, seeing as how i am currently dangling the fate of their entire operation over their heads...little do they know the extent of my full plan. gimme the money! i'm leaving anyway! suckas. i am getting better at this biz.

donatos pizza buffet for lunch today. i almost can't wait. the bad thing about me getting my appetite back is that i've got my appetite back.

i hear sailordew was on the news. i didn't catch it, but apparently, she had some sort of affair with the governor. or maybe she was just talking about tolly-ho, i don't know. i wanna be on the news. (pouty face)

here he is. randall, or cosmo, or buddy, or whatever you wanna call him. he will soon grow up and become unbearable to look at or be around, and i'm glad i don't have to be the one to see that. thank jeebus i got to look after him while he was still insanely adorable and carry-aroundable.

so you know the ADVO company that ruins your life with all of the junk mail and stuff? well, they apparently let a not-so-subliminal holiday greeting slip by their copy editors, and i'm not sure, but i think some folks may be mad.

and now, i will eat some custard pie.

this is a picture of me and my boyfriends with Our Hero ken vandermark. you may think that he looks disinterested or even slightly bothered to be participating in this picture-taking fun, but there you would be wrong. you see, we had actually just finished taking turns blowing him behind the stage and he was just totally worn out. see how freaked out mike looks? he was still reeling from the interior anal massage. good times.


nick dubya, jesse, me!, mike, and Ken The Man

i left that scarf at ramsey's yesterday morning. d'oh.

for those of you who are total slackers and haven't taken my advice and read the crap i've linked to at left, get with the program!

‘Idle husbands are the devil’s dildos’, that’s what my mother has always said.

and also, thankyouthankyou sailordear for introducing me to the Bladder Vee-String Female Vagina Prosthesis™. this is something that i'd like to share with all of you. not exactly safe for work, obviously.

i'm gonna die.

i have a story for you.

this woman apparently has a bladder control problem. i guess you're supposed to be able to tell that by the look on her face...so sad, she can't play frisbee with her family and the dog because she might pee everywhere.

and this woman just had an accident. uh oh! and she seems so close to the bathroom!


and these ladies have been wearing adult diapers for a long time, so they're now able to do things like put away groceries and bathe. look how happy they are!



and none of them lived...

so that's my story. i hope you liked it.

justin shuster. holy crap. firetrucks, cheeseburgers, destinos, the bar mitzvah of life, that one time on the bus in ninth? tenth? grade where we maybe almost made out? do you remember that?!?!? holy crap. myron shuster dds, mom who taught me how to write my beautiful "f's," and also got SO mad at me on a million and one occasions, singer's first party in which many people ended up in the pool and also cops, there is much much much much more, but you people just wouldn't get it so i won't bother subjecting you to it anymore. but anyway, friendster's good for something, sometimes.

damn puppy's here again. after i went through all the trouble of saying goodbye and crying like a baby yesterday, i came in this morning and he's just sitting there waiting for me. drat. but i will enjoy the extra time to hang out with him.

more louisville nostalgia tonight. john's coming to visit before he goes off to mexico for his cathartic pinata party. should be fun. there will be drinking, i'm sure of it.

i have a picture for you, but you must be patient. have to write about houseboats for a minute, then i'll get to scanning.

i do love the puppy. taylor gets it. but enough about that.

skipped out on work a little early today, got to meet george, he totally kicks ass...then went and sat in the waiting room in a doctors office for an hour and read two issues of entertainment weekly. being at the doctor is totally different when you're not the one with the appointment--i enjoyed the opportunity to relax and catch up on all of the latest hot movies and celebrity happenings. there was horrible country christmas music--like, patriotic country christmas music--playing the whole time and part of me really enjoyed it. anyway, then we made the long haul back to ye olde office to retrieve some essentials, then to the lynaghs for some grub and bourbon, and now i'm here, ready to watch the oc, but alas! it's the billboard music awards tonight, then, and i'm (bourbon) not very happy about that at all.

fme is playing here again on saturday. i'm getting excited. no tim daisy this time, unfortunately. and to think i might've made my move. yeah right.

damn it's still early. good thing there's a liquor pot-luck in the works.

goodnight, randall the puppy, wherever you are. i totally love you!

i can't believe i forgot this part: i'm moving! you know that thing i said about things falling into my lap? i figured if i just waited patiently, it'd happen, and it did! perfect situation, perfect timing, perfect perfect perfect. and i'll be living with a 165 pound great dane. you're jealous, i know. so now all i've got to do is finish packing, and god knows that's always assloads of fun. just have to keep the end goal in mind. that will be so easy. EXCITED!

well, the puppy's gone, and i did almost cry.

ASS=BIG. 'nuff said.

i have a new friend with me today...he fits in my hands and still can't walk very well. i only get to hang out with him for a couple of days, so i'm trying not to get attached, but we've been wrestling a little bit and i think we're buddies now. i will probably cry when he goes cuz i'm like that. i remember once i cried after this tv show about this dog that looked for his owner everyday after he died and just sat there at the pub waiting for him (i think that's how it went...it was a nice story, either way). and also, nick made fun of me the other day cuz i almost cried about this big dog that was running around on leestown road in traffic. i was very scared for him.

anyway, i'll call him randall, of course. he is currently kissing me and simultaneously trying to get all up on my keyboard. i will see what i can do about getting a picture so that you too may experience the cuteness.

so today, i'm wearing my new jeans (that fit my new and improved middle-schooler sized ass!), my hair's looking mighty good in spite of the mulletude, and the porcelain hue of my "winter" skin is quite complementary to the rosiness of my cheeks and nose due to the cold. yes, i said it, i'm feelin' a little bit good today! gasp!

this weekend was pretty fun, a bit ego-boosting at times, and a bit vomity at others, but all in all, tolerable. i drank way too much and spent entirely too much money. i saw beauty and the beast walking down the street holding hands and it was inspirationally comical. i got little to no sleep and got some much-needed rigorous pseudo-exercise. all in all, it was enough to make me sleep like a baby last night. success.

and i got to spend some more time with my cousins yesterday...they're hilariously cute and fun to be around. babies. yes, babies. i think maybe i'll just whore it around a little til i get knocked up. that'd be cool.

two near-calamitous automobile situations last week made me realize that i'm not afraid of oncoming traffic. bring it on, bitches. i will not flinch, nor will i give in to your threats. i saw duel AND maximum overdrive. you're just trying to scare me.

"...tell me why your lake titicaca is not filled with boobies and poopoo!"

Five Geek Social Fallacies
"Within the constellation of allied hobbies and subcultures collectively known as geekdom, one finds many social groups bent under a crushing burden of dysfunction, social drama, and general interpersonal wack-ness. It is my opinion that many of these never-ending crises are sparked off by an assortment of pernicious social fallacies -- ideas about human interaction which spur their holders to do terrible and stupid things to themselves and to each other..."

quick read, nothing really earth-shattering or amazing, but interesting, nonetheless.

i posted something right before i left work tonight, and on the way home, thought better of the whole thing. i think one or two people may have seen it. sorry 'bout that.

so, having spent the last few days in hypothetical situation-land (god i love the passive voice), i let my boredom get the best of me and went a little crazy. so yeah, basically, this will do in place of all that drivel:

i do declare: i am₁ a frightfully weak human being. i need to toughen up quite a bit if i ever expect to get anything done. ever. to me, this is more maddening than embarassing.

and as for all that other crap about that one thing, input and output eventually reach some sort of stasis. people eventually get what's coming to them. you, me, everybody. i guess i was just hoping for instant gratification. but it will happen, i'm sure. you can fool people for a very short time, unless they're an idiot like me...in which case, you can fool them for a little longer than a short time. blecccchlh. EXODUS! get me the fuck out of here.

1 i totally didn't used to be...i'm quite sure of it



pssst...myk...more traveling wilburys references, please. i nearly cried with joy.

so you know the four-beer-obliteration thing i was talking about? well last night, i think i drank way more than that. i don't even know. there were eleventy-seven empty bottles laying around after it was all over, and as far as i can remember, only a few people drinking. anyway, the point...point is, i went to bed way too late in the first place, and forseeing the sleep troubles i was sure to have, decided to try out my new all-natural hippie sleep aid, the liquid melatonin. i assumed it had to be better than the tylenol pm on account of there's no added pain relievers to mess with my belly. but i don't know what happened. i took the shit at 2:30ish, it says give it 20 minutes and you're supposed to be out, but at 4:00, i was still laying there. i think. maybe i passed out in the meantime for a while. i don't know, i was obliterated. woke up at 7, fed the beasts, went back to bed and actually slept through jesse getting up and showering. gasp. but now i am here, at this place, which seems a lot friendlier now that i'll be leaving it, and i am greatly doubting the capabilities of all-natural melatonin and hating insomnia and wondering whether i should just get used to less than four hours of sleep a night or what.

and i almost forgot...i've been meaning to tell you. all this talk of appendices--i have a song on CD that a kid i knew a few years ago made for me. it's called "Amanda's Appendix" and it truly is a song about my appendix. the chorus goes "yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy appendix" and there's lots of echo and reverb and it's done in a chipmunk voice. you would just love it.

Dancing Cats and Neglected Murderesses - You are a
bit bitter in some ways about how life has
treated you, but you will do anything to change
it around...anything!


Which Edward Gorey Book Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

okay i lied there's more.

i said goodbye to someone who was once very important to me today. 'death,' be it literal or metaphorical, is really very sad, but i suppose it happens. and afterwards i went to wal-mart and spent a ton of money on things to make myself look better and also condoms. hard to explain, but this was a pretty big deal for me, really...i feel so very empowered. alright. so it's back to all that action.

we almost bought jordan almonds. get it?

p.s. attention blogtwin: 'sokay to link to you now?

a short list of somewhat notable occurences and other assorted hogwash*:

• i got new tires! and new wheels! the ghetto rims are gone! my car drives tons better! anybody wanna buy some 17" chrome rims?
• the two week headache/inability to chew solid foods thing is finally beginning to subside...and i didn't even have to pay someone to fix it...
• car got hit in a parking lot as i ate at the aforementioned ramseys (it may have been tubby smith who committed the deed). twelve hundred bucks, they say. fuck it, i say.
• i saw two people who shouldn't have been having the sex having the sex and doing other naughty horrible disgusting things involving the toilet today, and i'll never be the same. i predicted this.
• jesse's "birthday ass" is no nicer to the environment than his regular ass.
• my dad rocks. i am turning into my dad. this isn't so terrible.
• valeria cummings is a horrible name to have
• the ghost lingers, but exorcism is in order. thank god i'm catholic by birth. it works best if you're catholic.
• four beers is apparently all it takes to obliterate me nowadays. is that sad or funny? or neither, or both?
• i visited a psychic who told me that in my next life, i would be a time-freezing witch. i am ready.
• there's a reason i haven't been writing much. it's because i suck at it lately.
• john swain's gonna join the navy jag program. you don't really understand this but that sentence is the most truly ironic and hilarious sentence i've ever written.
• i got the worst haircut ever last week. mulletudinous, almost. but i've come up with nine clever ways to disguise it until it has a chance to grow out a bit. i'm resourceful.

and that is enough for now. but big things are coming. i believe i am officially in motion...

* not all listed items are true. some of them are, in fact, false.

posting will be infrequent for a while, at least from me. i trust that the (moderately) hilarious megan pistachio and mr. myk nyx, (the only true 'rockist' i know) will manage to keep things fresh and fruity. and maybe destructo will show up and say something funny for once. you know, that's weird. you'd think he'd be funny on the line. not so, my friends, not so.