ye olde crapfest

so i'm going home now. i worked really hard to get all those BigImportantThings done so i could get home to my little injured man. you heard me, steve the cat's laid up. not sure what happened to him, though i suspect it had something to do with extreme windsurfing (for those of you who aren't familiar with extreme windsurfing, it's like regular windsurfing, only you gotta wear rollerblades) or some pornographic neighborhood kitty orgy or something like that.

anyway, he's limping real bad. it freaked me the fuck out. if you know me at all, you know i'm about one stinky sweater away from being a cat lady (i only have two cats of my own, so don't start getting all judgy on me yet), and my own cats are like little furry smelly children to me. well you can imagine my horror when i walked out of the house this morning, called for steed (my fave nickname for him), and he came crying out from under the bushes putting no pressure on his left front leg whatsoever. immediate tears. i automatically assumed the worst, that he'd been hit multiple times by some sadistic old woman on a huge cement roller who was mad at him for sleeping in her tulips. it's really not that bad, though. maybe just a bruised/ pulled/ strained/ sprained muscle/ tendon, or a minor fracture of the pulvius maximus. so i thought about taking him to the vet, but she warned me about the incredible cost of kitty x-rays and office visits, and said it might all end up in her telling me to take him home and let him rest... so yeah, i'm just gonna let him rest.

friday.
*sigh*

"fuckin' a tweety!"

EFFING BASTARDS!

no mention of money on the yahoogames site, of course. but you open up the scrabble program you just spent a while downloading and whaddyaknow? you've got 60 minutes to demo it. and then you can pay them their $19.95.

fuck that, i'll just stick to the freaking crossword puzzle.

i'm gonna have to write about this dream i had last night, but right now, i've got lots of pee to expel from my bladder. it could take a while. i'll let you know how it goes.

i just downloaded the new free scrabble home edition. i am so excited, i can hardly contain myself! it has an AI program called maven that you can play against, gives you hints, has a dictionary, AND THE BEST PART: i can now stop playing that stupid scrabble rip-off literati with all of those super paranoid "you are a cheater and hence i will quit! cheater cheater cheater!" people. it is nice playing against a real life person, makes it interesting and all, but i'll take this version any day.

oh, another best part: bosses are gone today. guess what i'll be doing with all of my free time?

maybe now i can play words like "taiga" without being accused of "using a literati machine" (wtf is a literati machine?!?!) by some foreign idiot.

and on another, totally unrelated note... sometimes it doesn't take long at all for you to get right back to missing somebody even after you thought you were finished with all that action.

how many times do i have to eat it to remember that "lite" cream cheese (or sour cream, or cheese, or any dairy product, for that matter) tastes not unlike bat guano.

and you thought i was gonna say horsepenis...

sometimes i'm glad i live in a little podunk town. one of the good things about being stuck in between the mountains and those other mountains is the lack of pressure i feel to be in "high fashion" mode. i mean, let's face it. my sense of style is a little warped, and i always buy clothes that are a leetle too big or a leetle too small, effectively ruining (read: roining) any chance i have at making them look right on me. is she a hippie? is she indie rock? is she a sunday school teachers assistant? today, my friends, i'm glad i live in lex vegas. i could never walk around in this hideous excuse for an outfit anywhere else without getting rotten tomatoes thrown at me.

mmm.... rotten tomatoes...


anyway, if anyone's wondering what happened to all the earth tones, i've got 'em right here. i got your browns, your dark greens, your whites, your creams, your tans, and if you look at my undies, i've even got your greys. i can't wait to get home and get out of the stupid monkey clothes and back into my "former college student/burnout/couch potato" costume. it's my favorite.

this blog never contains...well, CONTENT. this fact affects me on a very personal level--in my opinion it says volumes about the lameosity of my own personality.

my boss is resurrecting this dumb idea he has to "branch out" and do voice recordings for websites. like, when you visit a company's webpage, you get this (if you're lucky) non-stop talking advertisement thingy that plays while you view. blah. i fucking hate that shit. and i have to explain to him that 99% of the time, the viewer's configuration's going to do something to screw up that stream. dumb. fucking. idea.

alright then, so this weekend is the coachella festival. i'm crying on the inside, cuz i can't go. my jism eldor voodoo action figure will be getting a workout tonight, baby...we'll just see how he likes going up against my todd mcfarlane brand evil ash from army of darkness figure. he's got his chainsaw arm. you're in for it, buddy. you should remember in the future: anytime you're going to do something fun, buy cranza a ticket, too. otherwise, she will use her magic to fuck your world up.

well hell yeah, it's mid-monday already, sheeit. i've been a busy little beaver, writing, typing, blah blah blahing. my skin is still ridiculoulsy itchy (i don't think i've told you all about that yet, but yeah, something's up w/ my skin and it's itchier than it's ever been--painful even), and the sun's not really warming up the air, but that's okay. i'm having cheese coneys today.

and the world is aaaaaaahhhhl-right. even if i do get fat.

boogedy, boogedy, boogedy!



i've been trying to figure out why i can't find any pictures of that lovable colonial ghost mr. boogedy anywhere. fuck all!

here's some funny shit for you to read: some dude messing with folks "on the line". just trust me and read it. i laughed until i peed.

this is highly unorthodox for me, but i'm doing it anyway.

i'm appealing to you, the internet, for help. help and advice regarding this little problem i seem to have. you see, i'm way too nice. if people talk to me, i tend to talk back, and it seems that i have this quality about me that makes people feel comfortable, at ease, and engaging.

so what's the problem? well, this nice-osity has, on a number of occasions, given me some trouble in the semi-stalker department. we all remember the good ol' days at transdiggydig, when crazy jp decided i was the girl he was meant to be with, and spent his days figuring out how to get me in the room so he could gawk and make weird gurgling noises. well, jp was not the first, nor was he the last ubergeek to desire, nay think they require my attention. SLW HND, whom i've referred to on this blog a few times, is the latest instance. not that he's a stalker. yet. he's been transferred out of town, and is just back in lexington for a few weeks. i'd managed to avoid him since monday when i saw his car in the parking lot, but today my cigarette craving got the best of me, and as i exited the office door, i ran smack into the dude. was he ever excited to see me! he's apparently been wondering how i'm doing, etc., which is really weird, especially considering the fact that i don't even know his real name (jujitsu? similac? refrito?) and have never consciously done anything to make him think he's got the right to "wonder how i'm doing" or think about me while he's jackin' it or whatever it is he's doing. the most i've done is reply to "hellos" and answer questions as they're posed to me, and yet, somehow, this guy thinks he's got a chance.

"we should get a lunch together sometimes."

"you should learn english, skippy."

i didn't really say that, but...

anyway, sorry if i sound all high and mighty "ooh boys like me it's so sad wah wah wah." that's not it at all. i mean i'm flattered at the thought of it, but wish i wasn't always finding myself in this position where i have to be the one to do/say something to burst some dork's love-bubble.

now comes the advice part.

how do i get out of this "lunch sometimes" and also make sure the dude knows that there's not a chance in hell? i am already curt, short, and attempt to seem disinterested in conversation, but this doesn't seem to phase him. do i say "hey skippy, not interested, please back off!" i mean, what if he's all fragile and that ends up being the thing that sends him off the deep end? you'd think he could take the hint, but it's just not working. before it gets any worse, please email me your suggestions as to how i may deal with this in a manner that makes me not the bad guy.

thanks in advance for your help.

sincerely,

mortimer knuttsacker

i think i need to rearrange my desk situation at work. things just don't fit right; my mouse cord is just a little too short, my hands are contorted all day long trying to type it up, and everyone can see my monitor when they come around the corner. yes, maybe i'll do that.

or maybe i'll just look at the same twenty websites all day long.

man i'm bored. i think i'd like to kfc for lunch today. yesyes. boneless chicken brizzest all up in my fizzace.

i wish i could go home.

woohoo! puppy got picked up from the humane society yesterday. apparently, there were some little kids who missed her quite a bit. i cried and cried and cried about that damn dog, thinkin' about her sitting in some cage missing her mama. i'm glad she's okay.

g'lord, i am such a wiener.

oh, and a shout-out to all the moms out there reading this.

and now, i give you my favorite curse word:
fuckshitassdicksuckfuckcockassgoddamnshitfaceass!

thank you very much.

i was *this* close to losing it completely, due to an utter lack of caffeine in my bloodstream. but the g-man showed up with some surprise coca-cola, effectively saving my life and also making my tastebuds mighty happy. thank you bossman, sometimes you kick ass.

i've got one maybe-accomplice for the pizza action today, though i'm waiting for calls back from many others. we'll see how that goes; either way, i'm there. i skipped it last week and things just haven't been the same since.

it's threatening to rain, thunderstorm even, but it's just dark and cloudy and windy and sitting there. rain already! or else release the sunshine, dammit!

here's your superweb fun for the day: which three celebrities do you most resemble?

i did it about thirty times using different pictures, my favorite was when i used the mark twain pic of jbung and it said it was samuel l. jackson, ted danson, and tom selleck. awesome.

this is what i call one helluva psychological pickle.



i can't help but feel like "the bad guy." why is that? anyway, i'm outta here, work is for suckers. national office assistant appreciation day my ass, all i got was yelled at for wearing tennis shoes. i mean, i thought it was gonna rain for chrissakes.

the password is "croylayven." remember that.

SLW HND is back. i haven't had the "pleasure" of speaking with him yet, but something tells me i will, and soon. gawd, i love how gigrundous dorks gravitate towards me, no matter where i go or what i do. it's awesome.

it's that one day where all the hippies get together and be hippies. and also, mr. hitler's bday, and also the anniversary of the columbine shootings. so much to celebrate, so little time! i'll be watching the idol thinking about hippies, so don't you worry about little old me...

the dog still hasn't been claimed. she's just sitting at the humane society, waiting. i have cried about this twice so far today, and will probably do it again. she was awfully sweet and most certainly doesn't deserve to be lost forever. i'm going to keep calling til i hear something.

i can't believe it's already monday. this weekend went by a little too quickly, and as i spent the majority of it on the road and out of town, it seems like i never really got to chillax as much as i would have liked. it was kind of nice this morning, though...i got in the car at 10 of 9, as usual, but as i was preparing to leave i noticed a cute husky dog roaming around the neighborhood, obviously quite lost. i watched her for a second to see if she could handle being off a leash and in traffic. she could not. and so, i grabbed her, got george's leash (he hated that) and sat with her on the porch for two hours until animal control came and picked her up. i'm hoping they were able to find her owners...she had her rabies tag with the vet's number on it, but the vet apparently doesn't answer his telephone. anyway, she was cute, very friendly, very lovey. we took a nice long walk and sat on the porch and liked each other. i'd like to think that some kids somewhere will be happy to see her, but the thought keeps crossing my mind that maybe she ran away from some trashy shithole where she was kept on a short leash and fed maggot infested beef or something. her toenails were trimmed nicely and she smelled good, and her shots were quite up-to-date, so i'm hoping she's going home to be treated well. i'm a sucker for the aminals.

thunder was fun. fireworks are bitchin'. the whole lot of us met up with the fam, and managed to get a decent spot on the lawn from which to watch. on the walk there, i managed to score this beautiful "backpack straps" tan that i'm sure makes me look supersexxxy. here is a picture:


the whole hotel situation ended up being a hotel fiasco, as i might have guessed...everyone else threw in 20-30 bucks; my part ended up being $100. so there goes bonnaroo. but whatever.

my dad left me a message on saturday "hey, it's 4:20, and i'm at dairy queen." coincidence? not at all. when i eventually saw him, he said "huh huh, i called you at 4:20, huh huh...i thought you'd get a kick outta that huh huh." and i did.

oh, i almost left out my favorite part.

we were attempting to get back to our cars after the fireworks on saturday, us and the other 600,000 people who were there, and the sea of humanity was slowly moving towards a major intersection by the river. the light at said intersection turned red, halting the flow of walkers, wagon & cooler toters and drunk rednecks. when the light turned green, i took the opportunity to yell "alright people LET'S MOVE!" it had gotten relatively quiet, so my voice carried and many of the people in the crowd heard me. i heard some snickers, some full-blown laughs, etc., but the best reaction was the woman in front of me, who whipped her head around and said "HEY! we don't need any of that! we don't want anybody freaking out."

TSK TSK TSK!

i got SHUSHED in a crowd of 600,000 drunk people! jebus h. crisp that's funny.

i've been invited out to keeneland for some pony-race action with "big daddy" (one of the bosses for those of you who are unfamiliar), but i think i'm going to pass. you might think i'm an idiot for doing so, but i can think of three good reasons right off the bat.

#1: no money. who wants to go NOT bet on horses?
#2: no money. who wants to go NOT bet on horses and NOT drink?
#3: lulu. we tried NOT inviting her, but she got wind of it. drat.

so that's plenty for me. maybe i'll go on sunday afternoon after returning from the thunderation.

big badda boom.

i'm looking forward to that.

taking a little break before i get to inventory-ing...

i've dubbed so many freaking tapes today, you wouldn't believe it. and as fun as dubbing tapes sounds, i can tell you with much certainty that it is, in fact, the lamest thing you could ever be paid to do. ever.

the sun's shining, i've got "summertime" in my head thanks to miss fantasia, and the bosses have both left the building. so it's one more editing fiasco, one more dub session, inventory, and i'm OUT.

tonight i'll watch kill bill vol. 1 in preparation for vol. 2 tomorrow. i remember being totally forgainst it when i saw it in the theaters; this second viewing will perhaps help me to choose one way or the other.

so deerhoof kicks much ass. some of you know this already. to you i say "bricklebrit!" and to those of you who follow my lead, heed my suggestions, etc., do this...in memory...of me.

oh, hey jake! i keep meaning to tell you: i have that canine ass jelly you ordered before you left. for some reason, they sent it to me. weird.

i've got too much going on today. fucking wednesdays, i hate fucking wednesdays.

i just saw the FattestDudeI'veEverLaidEyesOn get on the elevator. he seemed really nice. but he also had an entire front-ass hanging out where his stomach ought've been.

i've been trying to come up with more for ya', but i got nothing. fucking wednesdays.

all this rain action can suck it.

damn i haven't said that in a while. it feels good!

but that's not the point. the point is, i'm a mess! due to a calligraphy pen catastrophe, my hands now REEK of bleach and icky lotion (yes, bleach does get ink off of your skin, but at what price!?!?). i must remember not to lick my fingers too much. also contributing to the mess are my wet wet wet socks, soaked through thanks to my genius idea to just wear my slip-on mule type shoe things this morning. i even said out loud "i can't wear these, my feet'll get soaked!" but i did it anyway. i think sometimes i just do idiotic things to rebel against my own intellectual superiority. that's pretty cool, right?

so yes, i'm soaked and bleached and my hair's a big humidified rats' nest, but it's alright. you see, i bought 12 cadbury creme eggs at kroger this morning, 50% off regular price! for the next 12 days, i will at least have that one brief moment where nothing else matters save for that delicious creme-y (?) filling of my egg-esque breakfast. cuz that's when i eat them. breakfast. because they're eggs.

enough of this hooey, i have work to do. i'm gonna eat lunch with miss pistachio today. she's cutting school to play gamecube, that lucky wench.

"Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker."


but wait, there's more... be sure to check out the recipe for poo.

thank you sony music for sending me another copy of the new modest mouse album. you didn't have to do that. that was nice.

well then, what it is? it's friday, yip yip! and good friday, at that. i will go look at some art (a man, a plan, a canal, panama...) tonight, and then i will probably be very tired and will retire to the ol' bed early. maybe not. maybe i'll go out and get a little crazy. alright then.

i have nothing for you. except maybe for this: when i was younger and attended catholic school, i remember my teacher telling me that the weather was and would always be all dark and cloudy on good friday. god's way of showing us the "gravity" of this big, heavy day. i asked her how god knew which friday it was, since we keep moving easter around and changing the calendar and all. i don't remember her having an answer for that. probably something like "well he's god, and god knows everything!"

awesome.

this may be "over the line" even for me, but i must link it, i have no choice! (thanks ilx and rjx)

do not click if you have any hope of ever making it to heaven.

and jesus wept.

hello there.

it's a beautiful day, and once again, i get to watch it from inside of my office. smoke breaks give me a little bit of that sunshiny fun i'm craving, but i can only get away with standing outside for three to five minutes at a stretch. by the end of the day, i will have racked up a total of an hour out there wishing i didn't have to be in here.

there was a story on the podunk news this morning about some farmer who had dyed his chicks rainbow colors for easter. i was actually pretty grossed out by the whole thing. it's true, their colored feathers will fall out and come back in regular plain old white, but still...

does this seem right to you?



oh well, i guess it's the 90's, and we've all got to get used to technology. it's all around us, you know.

that whole "size little" thing lasted all of a month, and now the whole "size medium" thing is on its way out. it is necessary that i begin watching what i ingest, and maybe even that i exercise a little. sucks big donkey dick, but i knew it would eventually come to this. goodbye little debbie, i will always love you.

usually, i drop weight during periods of high stress, and gain it during periods of relaxation. and so, i'm going to need you, my friends, to help me out here. i need you to stress me out. big time. tell me that you're pregnant with my dad's baby, tell me you're dropping everything to follow widespread panic around, tell me that i've got three days to live. i won't fall for any of that stuff, obviously, so try to make it believable.

and now, the answer to all of your questions:



i'm told an adult male panda does an average of eight handstands a day. those nutty pandas.

well now i'm done. at least for the day.

and i feel like dicking around. i'll start with a crossword puzzle (the answer to 1-across is "ebay"), then a quick game of literati, and then maybe i'll spend some time working on that plan to fake my own death.

speaking of pizza, tomorrow is donatos buffet day again. i found out that donatos is owned by the mcd's folks. which means that mcd's is indirectly swallowing a significant amount of every paycheck i get. fuckers. delicious fuckers.

continuing on the food tip, i've still got one pop tart left. i've learned to deal with the taunting by taunting right back. take that, you damned irresistible breakfast pastry.

it's nice out today. and i don't care what anybody says, dandelions are pretty, especially when they're everywhere.

i brought some strawberry frosted pop tarts for breakfast this morning. i'm trying not to eat them until 10 or 11, so's i don't get so hungry for lunch quite so early. you see, it's all part of my plan to stop eating like a freaking pig.

the pop tarts call to me.

i even put them in the back of a drawer on the other side of the room so i wouldn't think about them. and yet...

anyway, it's high time i got some work done...yesterday consisted of starting on a bunch of projects and then being frantically called away by the boss, back from his cruise and trying to play catch-up. that'll probably happen again today. i'm not really looking forward to it.

so i'm gonna do that then. work, that is.

fuck.

i've been conjugating greek verbs in my head again. i just can't make it stop.

i guess it's a good sign that i still remember how to do it. just in case someone needs me to read them some plato in the near future.

thanks to the whole "time change" thing, i overslept a little this morning. and thanks to the oversleeping, i didn't have time to take a shower. and thanks to the not showering, i'm slightly plagued with a case of monday morning monkey butt. but at least i look good.

this weekend was alrighty-roo. beaux arts ball action, dressing up, etc., fun, yes... i also potted some plants and got my laundry done. fairly ho-hum as far as weekends go. ah, but then, i was taking a nap yesterday afternoon and all of a sudden i sat up and thought,

"where's that 40 bucks my dad gave me last weekend?"

"did i spend it?"

"i don't remember spending it..."

and so i rifled through the pockets of all of my pants and then, SUCCESS! 40 bucks i forgot i'd had. i will spend it on steve the cat--he's got this totally gross sore thing on his mouth from where his left fangy tooth has been rubbing on it. you like that, don't you?

oh alright i suppose it's time to do this then...

fucking raining. fridays are lame anyway, why's it gotta fucking rain? and this one did not start off on exactly the right foot, but that's another story altogether.

anyway, good news is i'm not tired in any way (yet). so maybe i'll do something fun, or be funny, or find ways to entertain myself and maybe even other people this evening.

or maybe i'll just sit on the couch and eat easter candy and rest up for tomorrow's crapulation. we'll see. i'm planning on dressing up as 40s barbie, since i don't have the patience to go out and find a new costume.

right now, i'm just chillaxing, not writing scripts. you just gotta fight the power sometimes, you know?

i finished amanda this morning before work. it had one of those endings where you're like "hey wait a minute, what about all this other shit!?!?!?" i find myself wondering if the consumption finally got helen, or whether amanda ever remembered to unbury her bible once the indians left the camp, or if her dead father could see the glorious willamette valley from way up there in heaven. there was none of the "heaving bosoms" or "swollen manhood" that i expected; turns out this book's probably more for teens. you know, to like, help them realize how important it is to stand up to indians and to find a nice man to marry you once your gambling, no-good father finally squanders away all of your money and then gets himself killed just riding a damn horse around.

well then, everyone enjoy your weekend. come back here and look at this pretty picture if you get bored.

so it's no secret that the amazing robotic bowling score-keeping machine apparatus at your local bowling alley is fun to mess with. everyone wants a funny name so that when and if they get that turkey, everyone will get to see something funny like



well, last night was no exception...bun was in charge of the original naming, and he didn't do a very good job. mike was just mike, i was amandamn, and he called himself "wax person." not too funny at all.

anyway, i got bored, got a couple of bowling alley budweisers in me, and sat down at the futuristic console (with the little kid in the lane to the right of us looking intently over my shoulder the whole time), because i had a fabulous idea.

so, bun's name was set as "wax person," which only shows up as "WP" on the full board, unless of course, he scores a mark. so, i made my changes, stepped away from the thingy, and it still said "WP." no one was the wiser. until the next time bun scored a mark, at which point he saw:



we all had a good laugh and thought about how we could only get away with that in a bowling alley.

as the evening progressed, i would change it to "wormy polenta," "wispy pube," and eventually "warm poonanny," but i think the original is still best.

good news! i have discovered that miniature cadbury creme eggs don't make my teeth hurt as much as the big ones.

i went out and spent some money last night. spending money feels great. i hate to say it, but it's become one of my favorite pastimes. but i got good stuff--greenery for the house (now i have to go get some cheap pots to plant them in, and that is why i love big lots), SEVEN shirts, all totally fit for playing dress-up, and (the bday present from dad) a pretty cool black trenchcoat, because you know what clinton and stacy say about trenchcoats. oh, and miniature cadbury creme eggs.

also went bowling last night. it was thoroughly enjoyable. and considering that i haven't bowled in months and months and months, i managed to score a 114 and a 120-something. and i ate a bowling alley corn dog, which would make it all worth it, even if i had only bowled a furious 45 and had a small dog in my anus.

i'm joking about that dog in the anus thing.