ye olde crapfest

no one seems to have anything to say about my recent posts. i can't say i blame you people. my blogging has been lackluster lately, to say the least.

so, i figure i should bring the big guns. you know, say some of the controversial stuff that i usually refrain from sharing with the world. so, here we go.

i just realized i've got a little bit of spoo in my hair.

what say you now, beleaguered masses?

h00r@y 4 int3rn3t j@rg0n! i really am btpo, thought. just call me sleepy-puss.

someone (stevie) asked for an update on life, "post-steve." it's actually funny that should come up, i've had a few weird steve-the-cat-related things going on lately. for example: i woke up in the middle of the night on sunday, having just had a dream in which steve the cat spoke to me. he asked why i haven't been coming out to see him. he was right, i hadn't been. truth is, i feel kinda silly walking thru the dogdoo to pine over my lost kitty. but, it's what steve wants, he told me, so i'll start doing it again. george manages to rough up the rock formation sometimes with his running anyway, so there's the maintenance factor.

you folks may think it's silly, missing a dumb animal so much. to you i say, "eat shit," cuz you just don't get it. you see, steve was the closest thing to family i've got around here. if everything else were to fall to shit, at least i could still count on those little furry things to be there when i woke up. in addition, this is the first time i've had a "member of the family" die on me. yeah, my uncle offed himself last summer, but i barely knew him. he didn't sleep on my head at night, you know? so i guess i'm lucky, having made it this far in life with all of those closest to me intact. this is the first real LOSS i've had to deal with. but i'll tell you, it definitely makes things like "breaking up with your boyfriend" or other nonsense seem much less important in the scheme of things.

shit, i'm trying to write here and karla is having some sort of conniption. sometimes i want to kill that bitch. i ain't 'fraid to say it.

anyway, steve the cat. for the most part, i've managed not to cry for a couple of weeks, things are definitely a lot easier and i don't bum out so much, but it's like a totally different scene now. it's still lame every time i pull in the driveway and there's no big fat fatty reclining on the porch awaiting my return and the subsequent kitty-love. i miss that. i miss it a lot. i say "for the most part" up there because i had a bit of a weepy relapse this morning. it's probably just the estrogen overflow, but z fed molly this morning and put the food in the "steve side" of the dish. molly wouldn't eat it. i had to move it over to her side before she'd stop mewing and just stick her face in it. and that made me bawl. i eventually migrated, with molly, to her "blanket," aka the bathroom rug, where we laid together and missed the fat one. but anyway...

i'm still working on getting some pictures scanned/ edited/ resized, and eventually there will be a totally hilarious steve the cat tribute page, over there with the elephants doing it. keep your eyes peeled. i'm not sure how long it's gonna be, as i'm totally addicted to DoingThingsOtherThanTheThingsIShouldBeDoing, but it'll be good.

i feel like i've said this before--karla wears WAY TOO MUCH perfume. i just said "could you stand over there, your perfume is nauseating me," and she said "hmmm, i don't even have any on." heh. i call shenanigans.

good morning. yes, hello. i arrived at the office this morning to a pleasant surprise: the g-man has yet another tournament of the golfing variety this week, only this time, it's in danville, so that pretty much guarantees he won't be making even the shortest of afternoon appearances. excellent. pressure's off. i'm a happy yatch.

**slight interruption...an unexpected visit from k@ti3 mcc@nn, former neighbor and soon-to-be ex-resident of lex vegas. and in the meantime, the OTHER boss has shown up. boo. no scrabbling, at least til' lunchtime.**

i had a lovely weekend. i ate delicious food (el toro, winchell's, donato's and greekfest, all in the same weekend!), drank loads and loads of wine, and spent a lot of time in bed.

yes, lovely pretty much sums it up.

anywho, i'm going to go write my paycheck. actually, that's about all i've got to do today, so maybe i'll put it off for a little while after all. perhaps now i will pretend to dub tapes. yes, that's what i'll do.

oh yeah, big rebooblican national convention this week, aren't we all so excited? i'm glad they got arnold to show up, he's such an important political voice in america. wouldn't it be sweet if he showed up looking a little like this...



good lord, think of the ratings coup!

i'm glad my hair didn't look like total shit this morning...this allowed me to *not* take a shower, thereby enabling me to lounge on the couch with george and admire the new coffee table through glassy, wake-and-baked eyes.

then i called jesse, pretended to be his aunt edna, and told him i'd washed my panties like he asked.

this is the life of one cranza violento, master of the mundane. you too can have this life and all of the fun that goes with it. just come over and hang out with me while i sit on the couch and stare at the idiot box. it's really easy.

zack's working tomorrow morning, which means he'll be in bed by 10. this is my fate as well--unless you can convince me to do other, less sleepy-like things. do it.

one day last week, i told jbun a story about how, in rhode island, we called your typical water fountain a "bubbler," or, in rhody-speak, a "bub-luh." i hadn't thought about this for a really long time, and when it finally crossed my mind, it brought back this whole slurry of feelings from my One Year in Ohio, in which i struggled hard to make new friends and impress folks, only to be ripped from said friends and impressed folks at the peak of my newfound coolness.

that year started off well. i had been smart back in rode hiland, and had to take math and reading classes with the kids one grade up from me, which elicited a not-so-good response from the kids in my own classes. they were just jealous, of course. but when we moved to magical sylvania, ohio, ("tree city, USA!") i was enrolled in this little school called "sylvan," where everyone, not just the sixth graders, switched teachers for different subjects. mr. haas tought science, mostly space stuff, and i had a crush on him. but that's not the point. this new school was full of smartypantses just like me, and i didn't stick out as being smarter or dumber than anyone. i was right there with the rest of 'em, and it was beautiful. i quickly made friends with this girl @ndre@ sk@ggs, she was a little skanky for a third grader, but we had fun together. anyway, i remember how we met.

it was one of the first few days of school. i was lagging a little behind after a class-wide bathroom break. mr. haas called to me from the doorway of the classroom and said "ms. copsey (they called you by your last name at that school, how progressive!), let's go then..." and i said "hang on, i just want to stop at the bubluh real quick." or something to that effect.

i could hear the laughter from inside the room. now, everyone was already either a) impressed or b) totally not impressed with my stories of the blustery east coast, of del's lemonade and real beaches, and my accent was quite a party trick, i must say. but "bub-luh?" i mean, come on. what the fuck is that?!?! i felt like such an asshole. every third grader who's trying to fit in at a new (progressive!) school should know better than to use idiotic rhody-speak slang in front of her new cool ohio classmates! st@c3y tr3siz3, the cutest boy in class (who had actually been not ignorning me, partially on account of my ability to Totally Crush Anyone At Kickball) was the loudest of the laughers. i thought for sure i had ruined all chances at being considered "un-dork."

but then, the semi-skanky (even at age 8!) ms. sk@ggs and her girly minions (i can't remember them at all now) approached me. i figured they wanted to crack on my homemade puffy-painted shirt. but no! they were actually totally interested in my regional kitsch. they wanted to know everything. "ooh, say 'orange' again. hahahaahaaa!" they LOVED the bubluh. and at first, they might have been capitalizing on my ability to be made fun of, but later, we became great friends. sleepovers galore. and having her on my side made most other folks like me too, so that was nice.

and this, my friends, is how you abruptly end a narrative that seems to be going nowhere.

i made some delicious pasta salad featuring spinach, ongions, goat cheese and pine nuts. there is a metric ass-ton of it. come over and enjoy. i'm thinking of putting some chicken in it.

***i lied about the whole "one more thing" thing. there are in fact, TWO. things. check out #13. people are weird.

a bum said that to me once, re: her bum husband.

ah, those were the days.

i got my gmail account today. cmdrslappy was, fortunately, still available.

that is all.

but that's not the point.

the point is, there is not much going on with ms. amandapants lately. things are normal. ordinary. ho-hum. i can't win at fake scrabble, so that's super lame.

what else? well, i've been thinking about it, and if unicorn and dragoncorn were to fight, i think the victory would have to go to unicorn, because even though dragoncorn has those eagle-like talons and fiery eyes, unicorn has the power of goodness on his side.

and in other news, bob saget is god.

god (read: saget), this shit is pointlessly mundane. kill kill kill.

nothing to do at work, so i guess i'll go run some in-the-car-type errands...smoke many cigarettes...think about the waves and the sound the waves make.

my brain has, like, shorted out or something. no, not shorted out...more like it's just...flopped. no, that's still not it. i don't know what the fuck it is. let's just say it's behaving quite out of character and i'm having trouble making it stop.

where are all the zombies when you need 'em? free brains, zombies! nice big juicy brains chock full o' synapses and ganglions and islets of langerhans. no, no islets of langerhans. but the other stuff.

from our family to yours on this festive occasion, happy birthday megan p.

remembrance, like a candle, shines brightest throughout the holiday season.

hooray for the christian chicken place. tho' i was thinking about schmra's cool idea for t-shirts espousing the glories of satan, and decided it might be fun to further the concept. yes, the t-shirts, but what if we were to--stay with me here--wear the t-shirts into ch1k-f1l-a?!?! can you imagine the mind-bending craziness that could occur? would we be ejected? would god smite us with all of his masterful power? would anyone cheer, or even laugh for that matter? if i had to guess, i would say someone in that place would find it hysterical. they can't all be bibly.

but the chicken. it's soooo good.

moving on... the wall is half done, in case anyone wondered. we ran out of blocks very quickly after we arrived. once we get the last pallet, we'll finish the stackin' and get to the dirt packin'. as if you care. for the record, however, my gloits are sore as a mo'fo' today, and i have twin big ol' blisters on my middle fingers.

so they have matching band-aids.

isn't that cute?

today, i feel like that one smiley. you know, this one:

thank sweet jebus i've got the whole place to myself this afternoon--it's gonna take a lot of fake-scrabbling to prepare for the Real Life Actual manual work i've gotten myself into doing this evening. that's right. slappy, lord of all laziness, is building a wall today. nothing too big and bad, just hauling and lifting and arranging about five hundred decorative wall blocks in a nifty little pattern. two mens will be there to do the majority of the grunting...but i will contribute as much as i can. i'm working on my gloits and my lutes.

"stave it off, 1 2 3, and now you can count to three."

sometimes i just don't know what the hell is going on. this usually occurs shortly after a period of feeling like i'm pretty sure i know what the hell is going on. so, at least that part's predictable.

this is all i ask: i want to know i have a place to sleep. i want to know my family is okay, and preferably, that they're happy. i want to know who my friends are. i want to be able to say that i tried my best and had the best intentions, no matter what i do.

i'm working on that last part.

seems easy, eh? but shit, even tying your shoes isn't easy, at least at first.

so what's this all about? i'm not really sure. it just seems as if the sky is ever-so-precariously perched above me, constantly threatening to fall. directly on top of my ridiculously huge noggin.

i could be totally wrong, though. i guess we'll see.

come to me, you beautiful fucking thing, you!

oh lord, objectifying dudes is the greatest.

this movie might be good. it's oliver stone, so maybe he'll slyly allude to alexander's homoerotic tendencies (from the past, volumes 1 through 5), but it'd be fine with me if he left it out and just kept my boyfriend colin acting all beefy. i mean, it's not like it'd be as bad as leaving the gods out of the story of the trojan war. that was a bad idea.

i need money. for real. i have to either a) hook, or b) get a second "real" job. z is being really 1990s about the whole hooking thing for some reason (i am so oppressed), so it looks like i'm gonna have to play it straight. damn it.

so, if i have to spend my evenings and weekends working for the man, then i'm sure as hell gonna need to find some place with an impressive employee discount. i'm thinking either a movie store or some place that sells "the chronic." (no, not like kenny's chronic, more like the real stuff). that's where most of my spending money goes, so i figure i'd better come up with a way to get those things for free or cheap.

speaking of cheap, i was in a local store this weekend, the kind of store that sells the pr0n and the d1ld0s and such, and i found this dvd series that i really wanted to buy (and would've had i had some extra money...). it was called "homoerotica from the past, volumes 1 through 5." black and white action, like, dudes all greased up on 1850s bicycles and lounging in rooms full of peacock feathers showing off their gonads. i love humanatee.

the world will not end this weekend. it's gonna be okay, at least for a while.

so, it's like 60 degrees outside in the middle of august, and i think that's super lame. i might wear a wool skirt out tonight. how fucked up is that?

in other news, i need a maid. my house is a mess.

justin t. shuster, you're a choda.

why come my boss won't give me the day off tomorrow so i can go out and drink with my friends tonight? i said "how 'bout i come in around 10ish, that'd be good." and he said, "9's late enough, don't you think? 9:30 at the latest, how's that sound?"

well, mr. g-man b3lch3r, that sounds like total horseshit to me.

i need to find something to do tonight. any suggestions? i'm thinking it should be gang-related, or maybe i'll just throw some folks down a well. hahaha crazy americans.

i'm going to get molly millions a laser pointer today. not that lame-o "5-in-1" thang jesse got, but the macktacular "12-in-1" super-action laser pointer. i'm going to have to carefully monitor her to make sure she doesn't have a heart attack or collapse from all of the fun.

oh, and i got bitches in the living room gettin' it on, and they ain't leavin till six in the mornin'.

see ya's.

i overslept this morning. well, i wouldn't really call it "sleeping," technically i over-laid-in-bed this morning. it was 8:30 when i finally got my ass in the shower. BUT, i made it in here by 8:57; that must be some kind of record or something.

as i lay there, wishing i could just fall asleep and not wake up til noonish, i drifted in and out of that lucid-dream-land where everything seems SO real, and yet, totally ridiculous all at the same time. i dreamt that zack came home, came upstairs and took my purse. i dreamt that george was eating a steak in the corner. i dreamt that my phone rang and i answered it and it was my father, calling to tell me that he found my "tossed salad and other poems" book. man, i wish that part had been real- that "tossed salad" shit was sooooooo funny. so funny that i could sell it in the local coffee-eries 'round here; i'm sure the kids would really dig it. maybe someday it will just reappear- i'll keep my fingers crossed.

i've given up on the idea of driving an hour to see modest mouse play tunes from their hip new record for all of the teens. i guess i'm being a little judgemental; i was once a teen at the modest mouse show. but they were all indie rock back then, not these mtv radio-type gods. i'm not really serious- i'm glad they've made the bigtime (even my hiphop brothers know who they are and think their name is just soooo weird), and big ups to the kids for liking good music. but instead of shilling out twenty bones and dealing with being out of town, i'm gonna go see the j-bun play with the j-bun band (aka big fresh) and one of my all-time faves to see live, the features. i haven't been out and about and listening to the rock for a long time, it's bound to be good.

alright, that's it for now. i need some nicotine and maybe some beef jerky.

i am such hot shit.

back to work. whoopdeedoodlydoo.

i've been giving some serious thought to trying to do something with animals. i mean, as a "career" or whatever. i like 'em. i like 'em a lot. i'm kinda wary because i know how attached i get to lovable little things. but i guess we'll see.

the weekend was good. i got some new skirts and other assorted junk, and saw dad and scary. hung out with bung for longer than twenty minutes. same story with schmra. and fukker. nice.

i'm wearing some heels today. they're hurty.

does anyone want to lunch? hit a bitch up.

right in the middle of her forehead
and when she was good
she was very, very good;
but when she was bad
she was horrid.

for the awesome penius barby, i didn't mean to get anyone in trouble or anything (if i even did; no one's complained as of this moment...). i just couldn't resist the funny. it's not half as good as the shoobie/captain planet thing, or even a third as funny as my dad's "Christian Right Wing Faith Based Socialism Sucks!" email, but hey...

zack's home today, that lucky summabitch. i've been pretending to have a headache since i got here (to my credit, i did have one early this morning, but a couple of tylenols took care of that), so maybe the sympathy o' the bosses shalt kick itself in and i can play hookie (is that how you spell that?) with my mang. i wish i worked outside so i could get rain days.

well, bah humbug everybody. hope your thursday's reeeeal nice-like.

my dad loves that song. ten dollars to whomever can tell me who sings it.



i'm really bored today. but hey, on the bright side, i discovered a hilariously funny dancing pickle and found out that little judy winslow from family matters is into various other interesting projects nowadays (nsfw!!!)

ah, glorious internet.

get into betsy, baby.

day two of the great return to the workplace. fuck work. fuck it a million times. i'm wearing my size zero dress today (schmra, this will only interest you, but wtf), which is an amazing feat. i'm craving cheese conies, but have no cash with which to purchase said cheese conies. and i'm still sad.

something really really funny happened this morning. maybe one of the funniest things that has ever happened to me, ever. but i can't tell any of you about it because it's intensely personal and would maybe even be embarrasing. sorry. i'm lame, what can i say?

so, i guess i should share some vacation stories right quick, as you've all been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear the juicy details. we ate like kings, we sailed on a big ol' badass boat, we had the best ever amusement park experience (no lines! no sunburn! no mexicans!), we spent a day out on an island drinking in the sun (zack got fake mad at me for not buying him a dumptruck and pail and shovel to keep himself amused while us adults chillaxed and were lazy), we spent as much time as possible with my mother, which turned out to be a combined total of four hours all week, we took my punkass brothers out for a little sight-seeing, which basically turned into me telling them repeatedly "no, you cannot get the t-shirt with the picture of a crack pipe on it," or "no, i will not buy you a knife," etc. they're big weed-heads now. that makes me laugh, and saddens me a little at the same time. but, it's out of my hands.

yeah, it was a nice week. and i must say, zack's about the best travel companion i've ever had. we work really well together--like a well-oiled machine, baby. news of the steve definitely put a damper on the last couple of days we were there, but i managed to stay busy and make the best of it. i've said my thanks to everyone else for their help, so now it's time for me to thank the z-man for everything he's done lately (always). it wasn't easy news for him to break to me, especially since i, sensing something was wrong, basically forced it out of him in front of people he didn't know very well at all. he's been there for me like you wouldn't believe, putting up with all of my crying and wondering and postulating like a champ. yeah, i'm sad, but really, when i get to thinking about it, other than the steve thing, i'm happier than i can ever remember being. content. full. good. i'm not sure how it happened, but i'm really glad it did. thanks little mr. b, you take good care of me.

casa bonita, yeah...

hi everybody. we made it back from rhody, in one piece and everything. i've got a truckload of work to do, so i apologize to folks who've sent emails and to those who wish to chat, as i'll probably be pretty fucking busy over the next few days catching up.

that and i'm still ridiculously sad about my boo. i miss him a lot, and though i had a couple of days out of town to get used to the idea of him being gone, things got really hard when we got back to the house. it's like i still expect him to come running up to see me. it's hard doing any of the cat related stuff...i cried this morning while i was changing the litter cuz i was throwing away the last monstrous steve poops i'll ever see. molly's little colon just doesn't have what it takes to produce things of that size. speaking of molly, i almost think i ought to rename her because she's like a totally different cat. she knows he's gone and i'm pretty sure she misses him too. she hasn't left my side for a minute since we got home.

steve was my first animal. my first baby. my bestest four-legged buddy. i probably loved him more than i love myself.

so yeah, i'm bummed. and of course, all of this has to happen during that one week of the month in which i'm already quite prone to crying for no good reason whatsoever. that's my luck.

i'm sad. blogging feels dumb to me.

bye steed. i miss you like crazy.



ps thanks to all of my friends who helped out with the feeding and stuff this week. sorry your duties also had to involve all of the other junk. i really appreciate everything you guys did, and the steveararium looks awesome. for about three hours in the afternoon, the sun shines down through the tree and right onto it, like a spotlight. i'm not sure if that was intentional or not, but it's really cool. thanks again for your help and your sympathy and the emails and everything else. i love you guys.